mother aches…

last night was full of dreams, went to bed sad, lonely, aching for my mom or a mom. feeling like i needed mothering bad.  spent some time crying, cuddled with my pillow, didn’t get very far talking to my child before i fell asleep.  felt introspective most of the afternoon and evening.  thinking it has tons to do with the the one word that is stuck so hard in my brain, deprivation.  deprivation of mothering.  the feeling is so strong, it engulfs me and i feel empty.  i want to be mothered so bad and i loved being a mother that i want to mother all of my daughter’s friends.

last night’s dream was about me being pregnant at an old age, 50 plus, and delivering a baby girl.  it begins as if i am the mother but have strong feelings also as the baby….  she was beautiful, almost glowing as i held her.  but immediately i knew something was wrong with her.  she had a physical deformity in her mouth, her jaw was crooked, her teeth were misplaced and oddly enough i just birthed a newborn with teeth. i delivered her by myself because i didn’t make it to the hospital. my husband would have nothing to do with her and simply offered to bring me food if needed it but wouldn’t look at the baby after he deposited us at the hospital entry.  later when i left to be with her at  the hospital, he was busy with a project and wouldn’t go with me.

here’s the weird part about this baby.  she was very wise, an old soul, but wouldn’t look at me much, kept glancing away, wasn’t comfortable at all with me.  we weren’t bonding much at all. i desperately wanted to feel something for this child and kept holding her but the hospital staff kept taking her away and doing procedures on her.  this is the part where i wasn’t the parent that i am now because i would have never let that happen.  i watched this passive, worried, fretful woman let everyone poke and prod her baby and didn’t say a word and totally gave her responsibility over to them and never in this life would i have done that.  the baby didn’t care for this either and was extremely emotionally vacant as she would look away from me, wondering why the hell was i not taking care of her better.  then during a time when they left her alone, i was holding her and she looked at me and spoke “mommy….this hurts.  it hurts when i do this….she is mimicking moving her stiff and rigid jaw open and shut where her teeth didn’t fit right. her mouth couldn’t close right and as the mother am still not really hearing her.  its not that i don’t love her or want to love and help her but this whole thing freaks me out so much that i want to just leave her there and run away.

my therapist feels that i represent both the mother and child…thinking my baby inside is starting to trust me and talk to me a bit.  i’m to encourage her and continue to honor her so she will express herself.  i’m actually thrilled that if it is her finally speaking to me, i can help her with her hurt.  that i can do.  i’ve learned to be the person who can do that and will.  the discouraging part is the realization that i’m starting at the infant stage?  a lifetime’s work of piecing myself together and a breakthrough and its back at the very, very beginning…doesn’t that signify another lifetime’s work ahead?  exhausted, i e-mail my therapist for another appointment.

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About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

2 responses to “mother aches…

  • WordsFallFromMyEyes

    I am only curious, so you don’t have to respond, but your first post was mid 2008, then this one Jan 2009, and the next is 4 months later, April’09. Did you only write them then, or did you delete other posts?

    You could be mother and child. And as a mother, wishing to have the power to stop someone from mistreating my child, I can feel for the “looking away”. I absolutely died, my situation. I did not protect my son. And I still don’t know the truth. The reason I am writing of the first years of his life, it is truth taken from journals I wrote at the time, is because it is still not resolved to me, still not resolved.

    I did not protect my boy. I still cannot forgive myself, that.

    • Rescuing Little L

      I don’t mind commenting at all…would do anything to help another mom with such guilt and pain…
      I will go back and look at the sequence of events in those posts but off the top of my head, I write sometimes as the mom, sometimes myself as a child at various points.
      My daughter is 24 now and I can see now how our situation has turned out more than I could when she was little….as vigilant as I was she was still exposed to sexual abuse as a little girl and the guilt that I have experienced was crippling. Now I can see how strong she’s become, how she has such heart for others and we’ve been able to work through many of the matters through counseling among other things…
      Please, as soon as you can, forgive yourself and release the guilt…It truly keeps you captive in a place that continues to rob you of your ability to be fully present for your child….I lost years to paralyzing guilt, destructive behaviors which lasted longer than the abuse that my daughter endured…
      I feel that your heart is so open to healing and reflection that I bet you two are doing fine…hope this helps, contact me anytime ((HUGS))

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