JOY

two days crazy. thursday night and friday, spent a lot of time napping and medicating you.  i need to look at you and name you and honor you. JOY. i will call you JOY.

that wasn’t right.  i forgot and i got scared, i went right back into my old patterns and didn’t take care of you.  thank you for continuing to send me signals for you are far wiser than i am right now.  you are so little yet you are my teacher.  i just realized how shook up you were when i got angry at my husband and daughter.  they have to do better.  whether they will i don’t know but i told them they were not treating you well and i mean that.  i don’t care how long it takes them to get it but i am starting to see how i don’t take up for you, i am so sorry.

my goodness, you are so beautiful and i want to run over and hold you and pick you up with but i resist because i don’t want to scare you.  you are joy and i love you. thanks for being a part of me and forgive me for how long it took me to find you.

i also realized today just how much my family offends you.  they ignore me/you and make us feel invisible.  they don’t know our needs, want to know our needs and continue in the same way that my growing up was.  i won’t subject you to that anymore. we are done with them.  i hate them right now and maybe someday i will forgive them and realize how wounded they are but for now I hate them.  they all know that i have been struggling with physical and mental illness for years but don’t contact me.  it is done.  once i realize something i can correct it.  thank you for persisting in showing me that so i can take better care of us.  you are delightful and i would rather spend time with you than them anyday.  are you the one who likes the puppies so much? i can see you smiling a little bit because finally i get you.  i don’t think it will take much more before i get you more. barbara helped a lot and phyllis helped me discover you in the first place.  don’t give up on me, keep talking to me in your language, i wil learn it, i am learning it.  you are beautiful, i love you, lets go play.

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About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

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