two days crazy. thursday night and friday, spent a lot of time napping and medicating you. i need to look at you and name you and honor you. JOY. i will call you JOY.
that wasn’t right. i forgot and i got scared, i went right back into my old patterns and didn’t take care of you. thank you for continuing to send me signals for you are far wiser than i am right now. you are so little yet you are my teacher. i just realized how shook up you were when i got angry at my husband and daughter. they have to do better. whether they will i don’t know but i told them they were not treating you well and i mean that. i don’t care how long it takes them to get it but i am starting to see how i don’t take up for you, i am so sorry.
my goodness, you are so beautiful and i want to run over and hold you and pick you up with but i resist because i don’t want to scare you. you are joy and i love you. thanks for being a part of me and forgive me for how long it took me to find you.
i also realized today just how much my family offends you. they ignore me/you and make us feel invisible. they don’t know our needs, want to know our needs and continue in the same way that my growing up was. i won’t subject you to that anymore. we are done with them. i hate them right now and maybe someday i will forgive them and realize how wounded they are but for now I hate them. they all know that i have been struggling with physical and mental illness for years but don’t contact me. it is done. once i realize something i can correct it. thank you for persisting in showing me that so i can take better care of us. you are delightful and i would rather spend time with you than them anyday. are you the one who likes the puppies so much? i can see you smiling a little bit because finally i get you. i don’t think it will take much more before i get you more. barbara helped a lot and phyllis helped me discover you in the first place. don’t give up on me, keep talking to me in your language, i wil learn it, i am learning it. you are beautiful, i love you, lets go play.