Monthly Archives: July 2010

The Possible World-Life After Traumatization

I’m feeling extra proud today!

In the spirit of sharing the work of a fellow blogger and survivor, I want to thank  Meeka and the The Possible World  for honoring me with a Very Inspiring Blogger award.  Check out her blog, she’s an awesome woman with a lot to say!  Woot…how lucky am I to have all this incredible support!

These awards are a simple gesture but make the day of a person struggling to find and articulate their voice.  I commend her on how well she’s empowered herself and know that she’ll continue to be an inspiration to others.  Plus she’s a funny and entertaining woman!

For the sake of brevity, I’ve linked readers to the post where I thanked the woman who initially nominated me and the 7 things about myself.  Heck, who would want to read that again!

Love from Little L   


i have to get this down before i forget the details.  i woke up with the same feelings, heart racing, wanting to jump up swinging and screaming. i have done this before and didn’t want to wake my husband or daughter so i stifled my screams and got up instead.

the dream was long and detailed.  a man that was a police officer, little town not a city, i worked for him, i morphed back and forth between a girl that i observed him torturing and myself.  my three high school girlfriends were there later on.  we were in his local office just going about business and there was a tension, a  solicitous flirting (thats a very nice word) for undue attention given to this girl, she was pretty with long hair, smart but unaware of what he was doing, what his motive was.  i knew on a gut level because i didn’t like him but at the same time drawn to him because he was doting and charismatic.  i was frozen and just watched silently at this point but started splitting into her personality too.

the day around the local police office was normal, people in and out a storefront office of a main street.  but then all of a sudden things changed.  we were in a private room that was like an apartment and it was lunchtime.  business was over for the moment and the feeling was that he had something planned, it was his agenda.  the shades in the room were drawn but i could see that it was daylight still, the middle of the day.  he had worked himself up to a kind of a sexual frenzy.  all kinds of things had aroused him during the day.  i think he was watching me and fantasizing about what he would do.  the girl kept popping her neck, turning it from side to side and trying to get comfortable during her work day.  she was uncomfortable and her neck hurt.  both of us were in his apartment, a small one bedroom, fully stocked with food and drink, kind of a bachelor pad with couches and things, very modern, arched windows with mini blinds.  all were drawn.

the mood switched quickly and caught me by surprise at how violent and sadistic it became.  i was horrified to see the girl swinging from the ceiling by a rope.  it was a harness, not around her neck but she was lifeless.  drugged and swinging, he had planned this.  he had all the equipment ready and had used it before.  she was hanging and tied up and her hair was hanging down toward the floor.  she kept pulling her head up and still trying to get her neck comfortable and i knew that this is how she hurt her neck.  she was drugged and almost unconscious but kept trying to pull her head up from that hanging position.  this is at least the fourth recent dream that i have had where i was hanging  looking down at the floor, with my hair going toward the floor.  he lowered her after swinging her back and forth, he was very worked up and stripped down and shoved his penis into her somewhere?? mouth i think and i remember a comment about “your daddy”  something like “remember who your daddy is”  kind of gross power trip thing.  he was getting rough and violent, casting his charismatic personality aside at this point.  this is how she got hurt physically.  she was tied up, drugged, beaten…she kept repeating it so she could accept this and remember this.  as the girl woke up and started coming around, he hurried and ordered some food and gifts to be delivered.  my three girlfriends just showed up.  they all sat around and talked and ate.  at first they thought he was charming and just rattled on about their days. girlfriend 2 was totally oblivious and kept saying things that were obviously turning him on again.  he was starting to prowl around us, bringing us things and trying to act charming again and i was the only one who knew what he was doing.  i kept trying to get the point across in our subtle cryptic language of funny looks and gestures that we did as young girls and finally girlfriend 3 caught on.  we then started figuring out how to flee the apartment and eventually did but had to leave girlfriend 2 because she was just so clueless.  but there was no way i was staying there.

the girl woke up and i guess morphed back into me.  he fully expected me to go back to work or her to go back to work, just forgetting what had happened. he thought because he had drugged me/her that it was enough to prevent her from remembering and perhaps in the past it had been.  he was commenting on another local man who had been caught molesting girls and said “he had the perfect set up” meaning that he had an apartment with furry rugs and decor that would lure girls in.  he actually admired the guy who had just gotten caught.  this man morphed back and forth between a sexual predator and a person of authority.  even when he was the police chief, i knew he was a slimy creep with a badge.  i escaped the apartment and started to take his police car to get away but didn’t know how to work it and then he came out and offered to teach me.  i was grossed out again for needing his help just to escape…he was a captor and friend???

the dream switched to my mother being ill and alone in a house.  her dying and me trying to care for her while working and taking care of my daughter.

then back to the lunch scene with the guy.. he had ordered a bunch of lunch that had arrived and he was upset at how much it cost but wouldn’t really let on.  he wanted us to think he was loaded and generous but actually the food already had a price tag on it because he paid the delivery guy but intended on getting his money back in sexual trade.  i knew what he was thinking the whole time, i could read his mind.  he was being turned on by my friends eating pizza and being young women and goofing around.  they were innocent but he was a violent awful predator attempting to use trickery and assuming that we were so stupid that we couldn’t figure out what he was doing.  he thought he was above the law and let us know that.  i knew that he held all the power in terms of size, strength and position but i was totally on to him although paralyzed to do much.  we did escape but thats when i woke up and was having so much anxiety.

i am awake now and its 7:30 am i have finished writing this down but am slow to accept that i was the girl in the dream.  it feels so awful, so devastating of a truth to accept yet i know its true, it feels true, it has to be true.  the hair thing keeps re-occurring.  and i have the photo of me with my hair chopped off and i had the dream where he grabbed me and cut my hair off in violence.  it kept getting in the way of something…my hair was used to grab me, control me and ultimately punish me…there are no words to describe the rage i feel and how disgusted i am by my father.

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