i am in the dark and she almost feels safe, the blankets, two of them are on top of me and tucked under my legs and knees. i feel cocooned and am feeling the warmth start to seep in. the sounds are gone, the vision is gone, my eyes are closed and the lights are all off, the only light i see is from the full moon which is watching me and holding the space for me. she knows about feeling safe only revealing herself once a month and then slipping quietly away. the house is bolted shut, all doors locked and windows too. husband and daughter alerted to not come here, the night child is here and in control, complete control, i give her absolute freedom, she wants dark and alone because there is no one who understands now. no one who cares, she is doubtful and trusts nothing right now but tries so very hard to remember that people tell her that god is always there, focusing and willing herself to remember that she doesn’t always feel this awful, maybe it is true and there is a god, NO, i hate the idea of a man, it has to be a she goddess. that makes more sense, doesn’t make sense at all that it is a man. they don’t watch over you but she will.
eyes closed but keep opening every thirty seconds to check out the surroundings, everything is still good, warmth feels good. my mom appears to me now to come and sing her lullaby to me, things are getting better, more good energy is showing up, she never liked her voice but i did, so sweet and kind but she hated and feared her voice, her thoughts and her words, so timid… “here comes the sandman, tripping so lightly skipping along on the tips of his toes, as he scatters the sand, with his own little hand, in the eyes of the sleepy children…go to sleep my baby…go to sleep…goodnight.”
the night child is incredible… she is here and in control. she can maneuver in the dark like the sandman tripping so lightly, she has coped and survived like a dinosaur throughout the ages. i love her, its too bad that my husband is so afraid of her, its his loss, he could know someone really incredible. tonight i realized how awful he is to her he told her that she has “no one, that he is the one, the only one who does everything for her”, she apparently isn’t grateful or normal enough for him…i have heard that before many times before from men entirely more abusive than you will ever be, “i am the only one, i’m the best you will ever get”. i don’t believe that at all but actually i did for a bit tonight. the words impacted like a kick in the gut when he was saying it, the child who hates herself came roaring up, raging forward, ready to believe his words, ready to take herself out, she is so ready to die, give her any reason and she will, go ahead i dare you, she looks for it, she waits for it…she is the sacrificial lamb, she hates herself, she loathes who she is, she is reactionary and compliant when mean people tell her she’s worthless or alone or too much trouble or a slut or a whore or a frigid cold bitch or lucky to have me or alone or doomed to be alone or to believe that there is no hope.
it is this moment when i pray hard to my goddess to send me something, anything, a person, a phone call, an animal to give me words of encouragement and hope and love to give to this wounded child. i have to try to turn this around, i have to try to find love, please help me, please help me…but his words are still there, collecting energy from anyone who has ever said that to me, they chant in unison…”there is no one…there is no one…you have no one…i do everything for you”…over and over…”there is no one” and then…suddenly a new set of words came from inside my head, wait, what? “there is someone, there is someone, yes, there is, don’t believe that, i am here, i love you and i love her, she is wonderful and acts just fine for everything she’s been through and doesn’t scare me at all. i made her just as she is. i will help her, i can help her, i love her as she is, there isn’t anything wrong with her that love can’t fix” and slowly the words echo again and again until i stop holding my breath and let go to fill my lungs with air…take a breath. it feels good, i am my own strength, i can be my own source of strength, it doesn’t come from anywhere else, it is mine and the goddess and her angels.
she is there to lend me a hand and dismiss all the lies and fear and untruths that i allow in my life. but the night child has endured everything that she now tolerates nothing, there is no room for any abuse of any kind. even the gentle husband with his own issues, disassociated and defensive doesn’t get to stay. i protect the child at all costs letting no propriety stand in her way. she chases the husband with mean words away, sends him into the night, he won’t come back enlightened, i know that, i know that now. it isn’t something i hope for anymore the night child doesn’t like him, she doesn’t like his driving, his passive aggressive nature, and she understands the deep sadness that permeate her other parts at the potential loss that she faces. another love relationship gone, another home to move out of, another place for my daughter to drive by and look at and remember that it was once her home. you see, he is so afraid, absolutely terrified of my girls that he won’t be able to make this work, he is so very afraid of trying of working hard of attempting anything that would take courage…so sad…he’s so very afraid…but i’m not, i just figured out how to live and i’m going to make this work no matter what…