Phyllis and her therapy are my mind expansion drug. It is an induced state of existence that I have come to crave. It is a drug that I haven’t gotten often, a rare delicacy. When I am out somewhere and stumble upon someone who truly makes me think, I am delighted. Often it is animals or children. Usually I am the one who is bored with the people crowd, the mundane conversation which goes in the the same direction, money, blah, blah, blah…me, myself and more about me….. when something catches my interest be it human, animal or plant, a warm feeling pulls me toward it. I love the energy of this moment. It is there if you pay attention, in fact, it is everywhere. The conversation fades as you have the sense of needing to cross the room to experience that which holds great interest. I love being led through therapy. The places we go are the innermost creases of my conscious which borders my subconscious. It is a separation that is slight, very thin. Its texture is that which is intended to give, bowing gently to one side then another, like a curtain over an open window, following whichever way the breeze carries it. This division blurs often for me not in visual terms but mostly in feelings. Within a span of a day, I can experience emotions from many different stages of my life. This ability is increasing thanks to my therapist. She leads while I slip down that path, the warm timeless space where I retrieve lost and buried thoughts an emotions. sometimes the division is huge and made of stone. very definite barriers constructed purposefully so as not to feel. after all it wasn’t safe to feel. the priority was for the child warrior to be on the lookout. the attackers were many and took many different forms. some were so subtle that it took years of therapy and growing up just to recognize them.
We talked of the bright room, the room of joy, pure blissful joy. I stare blankly for a long time trying so hard to conceive of this notion. I want so much to know this feeling, this room of joy. Barely into the room, the feeling comes that I want to write my story. This is something I want with all my heart and like many other projects before, I will persist and learn until I have mastered it. I take a helper in the room with me. It’s Shrek, big, green, fierce protector but so sweet and warm. He blocks the doorway from intruders so I can be little. I get to be the child while he watches lovingly. My angel swoops in for the party. It is wonderful, I sit with my comforter around me watching with delight. So many wonderful things to look at.
Phyllis said last night that she couldn’t wait for my book. It was in reference to the stories I’ve been writing and the progress that I have made. I was glowing. It didn’t hit me until i was getting into bed tonight that a PHD at Washington University, just told me that she couldn’t wait for my book. Oh my god, it occurs to me that there really is a story to tell. I’m giddy and am already picturing it. My words have worth. Yes, I could do this. I AM doing this.