Monthly Archives: May 2011

it is time…

May 17, 2011

It is time. The words rippled through me as i was getting dressed this morning. its another one of  those phrases that my angels put into my conscious brain and today’s was “you won’t get better until you write”…it was whispered, softly yet very matter of fact.  this message comes in a no nonsense way, doggedly insistent and monofocused.

I must get this story out.  That is such an understatement, I snicker and almost laugh while writing it.  My reluctance to acknowledge the innate truth has made me sick, in fact, almost killed me with illness and disease.  That is the cost of denying one’s true spirit. She has taken so many forms and personas already…sometimes she bubbles up and around my brain just kind of popping ideas around, often it will yell “hey, whatta ya doin, pay attention to me” in a voice sounding more like a ny taxi driver than a wounded girl child…sometimes she begs, pitifully whimpering to please, please, please pay attention…”i have given you so many signals, i have broken your body down so much that you can’t even leave your bed sometimes yet you continue to ignore and deny me”…even as i sit here writing this now, i feel shaky and queasy, that dark pressure has come over my eyes and makes me feel tired.  i know it is you and i am okay with whatever form you take..finally i am learning to accept you, it took so long to find and identify you, to see you… so, i listen today and see what form you will give me… i know with all of my heart that i must validate you and everything you have been through and i’m getting it, not going to try to do it but i am doing it and i’m doing it now.

i am so sorry that i didn’t know more sooner.  i think back to how many voices you had to take on just to get me to listen. more than that, the universe put roadblocks and signs, heck not just signs, freaking billboards to get me to pay attention.  i’ve pulled on my karma so much and been kicked to the curb so many times that you think i would have gotten it sooner… this makes me so sad…sad for you and me and the loss of time and what could have been…the loss of sweet time that would have made everything different…if i would have heard you early in life, I could have saved myself and Rachel so much pain, so much destruction.  But then again, isn’t this happening at just the perfect time and place?  at least that’s what i’m always reminded of…which brings me back to why it is time now…i am in a safe home with a safe and loving partner, my daughter is grown and I don’t have the day to day raising of her to take me from this story…my finances are fine and I don’t work outside the home any longer…my pace is my own and at 54 years old, I finally own my life.

The feeling is indescribable. it makes me want to jump for joy inside but instead i find myself making very small jumps…ones that still hold trepidation, i still dance when no one is around and only sing to my puppies…just in case.  i forgive myself for continually looking over my shoulder, its habit and instinct…i don’t do it as often as before and will not need to do it as much in the future but for now its still there.  i love you for watching out so diligently for me over my lifetime…you are such a brave courageous child to watch out and speak up for me….i adore your fierceness and will never, ever shut you down again.  it is your time to shine my love, it is time.

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I am safe now

 

 

 

 

May 10, 2011

I am safe now. This very moment, where I am sitting, in this chair, in this house. I am safe. I say it over and over so I know its true and so I believe it. Looking out the window at the light as it dims from daytime to dusk, watching the shadows start to form, I still can’t believe that I am in a place where no one can harm me. I surround myself with my dogs, my flowers, a few very special and trusted friends, my husband and daughter. That is the best that I can do on most days, simply exist for myself and my immediate world.Not that this is bad, quite the contrary. This is the absolute best I have ever been and why I am able to finally give voice to this child. As I have come to know her, I’ve been blown away at how incredibly bright and resourceful she is. When the burden of generations of incest was given to her, she coped, somehow she coped and managed to break the insidious cycle that no one else in her family was able to. She crawled out of the smallest crack in the wall, not knowing where she was going but gave herself absolutely to the notion that a better life waited for her. To make the journey even more challenging, she was 5 and a child from extreme rural poverty and ignorance, so the idea was not one she could even lay her eyes upon. No one led good lives, most folks were unhappy to the point of violence. Because of her courage and unshakeable faith in something unseen, I have come to love this child so much and why I finally became able to rescue her.I shake even as I write this…I’m not sure that the night childwants me to speak. Sometimes I feel that she is bursting with words and stories and chatter and other times, she is so quiet and introspective. She desperately wants to tell her story but knows from a lifetime of experience that speaking out means trouble, sometimes danger. She speaks to me through symptoms and sensations especially at times when she needs my attention the most but I pay attention the least.My reality seems surreal at times like this, as if I am straddling two worlds. The walls that define my dimensions are thin and I travel back and forth between them often. I build my conscious and unconscious around this maneuver, one that was learned through experience and guided by instinct, not one learned by imitation or the product of parenting. My life skills have been developed by the seat of my pants, so to speak, and still continue to evolve due to my dogged pursuit of figuring this out this trauma and healing the aftermath of its storm. Psychiatrists disagree whether to diagnose me as multiple personality syndrome or at the very least disassociative disorder and I would probably agree with some of both. I do know that I cope by escaping somewhere in my brain.And that it has worked for me always. I also know that I feel things, mostly emotion, stronger than most people. And I don’t say that lightly, I seriously mean I feel emotion so strong its almost crippling. I have walked into a room and sensed people’s imminent deaths, I know almost immediately if someone is lying to me, transferring both positive and negative emotion simply by their energy.Life often becomes unbearable and so painful that I must retreat to myself, to my center, to the part that has soothed me when the unspeakable has been happening around me and to me. That part of me isn’t fluid, it is choppy and sporadic and crazy hyper-vigilant. Its eyes are moving and jerking constantly, never letting their guard down for a moment, watching, assessing, possessing the ability to sense the slightest change in energy that would send off a distress signal of danger. Perfected as a child, this sense is a gift of survival and the burden on the body. The human body will in time wear out, it grows tired of being guarded and tense, then it turns to exhaustion, bone weary, chemically imbalanced, muscle wasting exhaustion. And that’s where I am now, praying that my body can hold on.

I knew something was horribly wrong with me even before the doctors sent me home. They of course were waiting for a physical sign, which they evenutally got, before they could definitively say I was ill. Allopathic medicine can be incredible if you have something that someone can see, a lump, broken bone, rash, narrowed arteries, etc. But if you are one of the unlucky who have issues that are subtle or chronic or energetic, especially if they have been with you so long that they have adapted and morphed into your personality on a cellular level, then you are totally on your own. So…this is it, the start of my story, honest…naked…vulnerable…


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