May 17, 2011
It is time. The words rippled through me as i was getting dressed this morning. its another one of those phrases that my angels put into my conscious brain and today’s was “you won’t get better until you write”…it was whispered, softly yet very matter of fact. this message comes in a no nonsense way, doggedly insistent and monofocused.
I must get this story out. That is such an understatement, I snicker and almost laugh while writing it. My reluctance to acknowledge the innate truth has made me sick, in fact, almost killed me with illness and disease. That is the cost of denying one’s true spirit. She has taken so many forms and personas already…sometimes she bubbles up and around my brain just kind of popping ideas around, often it will yell “hey, whatta ya doin, pay attention to me” in a voice sounding more like a ny taxi driver than a wounded girl child…sometimes she begs, pitifully whimpering to please, please, please pay attention…”i have given you so many signals, i have broken your body down so much that you can’t even leave your bed sometimes yet you continue to ignore and deny me”…even as i sit here writing this now, i feel shaky and queasy, that dark pressure has come over my eyes and makes me feel tired. i know it is you and i am okay with whatever form you take..finally i am learning to accept you, it took so long to find and identify you, to see you… so, i listen today and see what form you will give me… i know with all of my heart that i must validate you and everything you have been through and i’m getting it, not going to try to do it but i am doing it and i’m doing it now.
i am so sorry that i didn’t know more sooner. i think back to how many voices you had to take on just to get me to listen. more than that, the universe put roadblocks and signs, heck not just signs, freaking billboards to get me to pay attention. i’ve pulled on my karma so much and been kicked to the curb so many times that you think i would have gotten it sooner… this makes me so sad…sad for you and me and the loss of time and what could have been…the loss of sweet time that would have made everything different…if i would have heard you early in life, I could have saved myself and Rachel so much pain, so much destruction. But then again, isn’t this happening at just the perfect time and place? at least that’s what i’m always reminded of…which brings me back to why it is time now…i am in a safe home with a safe and loving partner, my daughter is grown and I don’t have the day to day raising of her to take me from this story…my finances are fine and I don’t work outside the home any longer…my pace is my own and at 54 years old, I finally own my life.
The feeling is indescribable. it makes me want to jump for joy inside but instead i find myself making very small jumps…ones that still hold trepidation, i still dance when no one is around and only sing to my puppies…just in case. i forgive myself for continually looking over my shoulder, its habit and instinct…i don’t do it as often as before and will not need to do it as much in the future but for now its still there. i love you for watching out so diligently for me over my lifetime…you are such a brave courageous child to watch out and speak up for me….i adore your fierceness and will never, ever shut you down again. it is your time to shine my love, it is time.