it is time…

May 17, 2011

It is time. The words rippled through me as i was getting dressed this morning. its another one of  those phrases that my angels put into my conscious brain and today’s was “you won’t get better until you write”…it was whispered, softly yet very matter of fact.  this message comes in a no nonsense way, doggedly insistent and monofocused.

I must get this story out.  That is such an understatement, I snicker and almost laugh while writing it.  My reluctance to acknowledge the innate truth has made me sick, in fact, almost killed me with illness and disease.  That is the cost of denying one’s true spirit. She has taken so many forms and personas already…sometimes she bubbles up and around my brain just kind of popping ideas around, often it will yell “hey, whatta ya doin, pay attention to me” in a voice sounding more like a ny taxi driver than a wounded girl child…sometimes she begs, pitifully whimpering to please, please, please pay attention…”i have given you so many signals, i have broken your body down so much that you can’t even leave your bed sometimes yet you continue to ignore and deny me”…even as i sit here writing this now, i feel shaky and queasy, that dark pressure has come over my eyes and makes me feel tired.  i know it is you and i am okay with whatever form you take..finally i am learning to accept you, it took so long to find and identify you, to see you… so, i listen today and see what form you will give me… i know with all of my heart that i must validate you and everything you have been through and i’m getting it, not going to try to do it but i am doing it and i’m doing it now.

i am so sorry that i didn’t know more sooner.  i think back to how many voices you had to take on just to get me to listen. more than that, the universe put roadblocks and signs, heck not just signs, freaking billboards to get me to pay attention.  i’ve pulled on my karma so much and been kicked to the curb so many times that you think i would have gotten it sooner… this makes me so sad…sad for you and me and the loss of time and what could have been…the loss of sweet time that would have made everything different…if i would have heard you early in life, I could have saved myself and Rachel so much pain, so much destruction.  But then again, isn’t this happening at just the perfect time and place?  at least that’s what i’m always reminded of…which brings me back to why it is time now…i am in a safe home with a safe and loving partner, my daughter is grown and I don’t have the day to day raising of her to take me from this story…my finances are fine and I don’t work outside the home any longer…my pace is my own and at 54 years old, I finally own my life.

The feeling is indescribable. it makes me want to jump for joy inside but instead i find myself making very small jumps…ones that still hold trepidation, i still dance when no one is around and only sing to my puppies…just in case.  i forgive myself for continually looking over my shoulder, its habit and instinct…i don’t do it as often as before and will not need to do it as much in the future but for now its still there.  i love you for watching out so diligently for me over my lifetime…you are such a brave courageous child to watch out and speak up for me….i adore your fierceness and will never, ever shut you down again.  it is your time to shine my love, it is time.

Advertisements

About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

12 responses to “it is time…

  • terri st. cloud

    i cannot tell you how thrilled i am reading this post and knowing you’ll be writing and sharing…..

    • Little L

      i got to be here because you took the leap, started your art and the forum where i found the last bit of courage that i needed to leap…thank you, thank you, thank you…

  • ☼Illuminary☼

    I see you shining~
    and it is radiant.
    It’s time, to whisper and shout.
    It’s okay
    a lot of us have been there..
    and those who know
    will keep you in the light
    and hold you with the gentlest love.

    • Little L

      thank you light4 leaves…not sure how we find each other but most importantly we do…thanks, i will be visiting your blog too…

      • ☼Illuminary☼

        laughing~ It’s me, otherwise known as “frustrated fred”
        I was just thrilled to read on the forum that you were writing!
        Just wanted you to know I was here in the cheering section shaking my pom poms!

      • Little L

        thanks FF for the clarification…good to see you here again! how long have you had your blog? this is such a new thing to me, but i’m plodding along…

  • lissyjane

    Hey, Sunflowerwoman here Little L 🙂 Know what? This is a such a bold and courageous thing for you to do! So happy for you!!! We’ll take flight together, ok?

    No fear. . . .just love. . .

  • lissyjane

    Just wanted to pop in and tell you I’m getting ready to take a leap and start blogging my truth. May be halting, may be goofy and sputtering, downright crazy and painful at times. Kinda asking myself what I’m worried about. See your courage and other people with their daring. I have nothing to lose. Everything to gain! Owe it to you, Terri and our friends.

    You go, LittleL!!

    • Little L

      I am with you every step of the way…its awesome that you want to do this and the world will be better for you taking the leap…your words and story are so important, don’t worry and don’t censor…and yes, here’s to our women!

  • Nancy Fellenz

    I’ve read some of your blogs and the comments…see how many lives you are touching, causing ripples to spread out impacting many others more than you can know. Such a courageous woman. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: