Monthly Archives: August 2011

I think I shall stay home

at home, i am loved by the birds…cardinals, doves and finches  
they greet me as the sun comes up, flitting down from the trees, early morning chirping
their favorite seeds scattered for their pleasure and mine.

 

at home, i am loved by my trees who give me a spectacular show each day, 
sometimes a can-can with their leaves, sometimes a slow waltz of their upper limbs
all of them appreciated deeply.  i send them love as they change through the seasons, sprouting, emerging full, sometimes bare and exposed for the world to see. watching from my overstuffed, book lined nest.

 

at home, my dogs thump their tails on the floor even before their eyes are fully open
knowing i’ve come through the door of their laundry room boudoir to give them a day of exploration and bone snacks.
its a very mutual love relationship.

 

i go out of my home for obligatory errands but am not greeted as well out there
i’m older but not old, much slower than their impatient youthful pace, gunning through life as if there weren’t another moment to be lived well
i’m looking out for squirrels and deer and school children that cross the road here, slowing and stopping for the woman stuck in the crosswalk with an uncooperative stroller
it is a crime that I am honked and yelled at for
a crime that i commit for the greater good but still takes a tiny chip out of my porcelain psyche.

 

back at home, i draw water for tea
on the window sill, my fish dips and surfaces, stops to flutter her fins and send a fish kiss,
i think i shall stay at home for a while.


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towards her Light

 she had changed.
they hadn’t.
so why was she still hanging around?
she closed her eyes,
wished them well,
wiped her tears
and headed thru another passage
towards her Light.
 

~terri st. cloud

Each day, my inbox is graced with reminders of fellow bloggers and artists, who’ve taken the time to send me a greeting.  Being very selective about who I give my limited brain power to, I carefully choose those who motivate in an introspective and authentic way, in other words, they have to “get it”.

Terri gets it.  In fact, it is as if she writes for me, finding the words I can’t find and expressing them when I need them expressed.  I’m so grateful for that, needing this exact type of guidance and inspiration to fill the gaps between the things I want to see but can’t.  Drawing up her words, I create new words hoping to put them in form that carries on the inspiration to another person.  That is the ultimate prize for me, reaching out and taking someone’s hand, easing their pain, putting a smile on their face….

The struggle wrapped up in this quote is one I’ve dealt with my entire life.  So many times have I been in this very place, looking at someone I love with all my heart and having to choose to walk away from them.  Sometimes it was family, sometimes friends, and once, a husband.  It is so hard.  It really sucks.  I hate it.  But, this choice, being crucial to the preservation of one’s true self, is sadly often the only and best solution.  The first time is the most difficult.  In the stupor of unawareness that I lived in, I didn’t realize this option existed.  Even when I discovered it to be a choice, I was appalled at the thought of disengaging from one’s family, from one’s loved ones, from one’s own blood.  I doggedly held onto the false notion that I could control the outcome of others, get them to want a better and healthier life and spare myself the pain of living without the family that I envisioned them to be.

It happened for me much like Terri states in her quote, that “she closed her eyes, wished them well”.   It has truly been a lesson worth practicing.


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