Monthly Archives: September 2011

where are you God?

August 8, 2011….This is the thing about recovering memories from a past trauma, a secret life buried so deep that you not only fail to recognize its existence, you remain unaware of its power;  that it manipulates and deceives you, seducing, coaxing until it seizes your being and pulls you into a blackness that you think must be insanity.  There are no explanations, your family, doctors or even God doesn’t respond with any help.

At least that’s what I thought for a very long time.  All the while, my angels were diligently hovering, singing, sending animals and people and love to help crack away the hardened evil shell that covered my soul and eventually after many years of desperate prayer and sitting with my soul contemplating whether to end the pain today or try to find hope for one more hour, one more afternoon, one more night…the memories and my past started to come back.

I wanted a full length, epic movie complete with sequels.  What I got was a dark room with a split second pop of a old fashioned camera with a flash cube.  What I saw during that moment of  illumination was what I had to work with for the next few weeks or months until the next illumination was given to me.  This pace is determined by the benevolent goddesses who have lovingly gotten me this far in this journey, their divine energy knowing when to present more information and when to withhold, leaving no room for the earthly human impatience and grandiose demands.

Then soon I was given the dimension of feeling.  If I paid close enough attention, sensations and feelings would wash over me at different times, with different people, in various types of lighting and times of day.  In the most humbling of ways, I became aware that the information was there for me to gather and interpret and as soon as I ceased to think that it would only come to me in one way, the sooner I could take a step closer to the truth.

Its official….I’m published…

A Great Horned Owl sleeping at daytime in a ho...

Image via Wikipedia

I LOVE the way that sounds. Its my first time,  my maiden voyage,  a virgin no more.  Even if the publication is a small magazine with a circulation of 10,000 readers and even if I receive as payment two complimentary copies of the magazine, what a divine message to see in your e-mail inbox.  The absolute best part of this is that this article was about my beloved owl, Athena.  She danced into my heart and now I get to share her with others.  

For a writer, to have someone love your work enough to put it in their publication and align association with them, is a seriously sweet treat.  And for a publication to understand and love this owl enough to share it with their readers makes my heart sing.  Thank you Selena Fox.

Daring greatly

Today’s inspiration comes from a quote from Theodore Roosevelt’s speech Citizenship In A Republic, delivered at the Sorbonne (1910):

The Man in the Arena

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;who strives valiantly;who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

It is my hope as I do the deeds of my personal internal work that I can look to achieve what Theodore Roosevelt cited in his speech.  So often and more than I want to admit, I’m the critic.  Mostly to myself although it comes out at others too.  I am in the arena, every minute, every day and am covered with blood and sweat.  

I don’t even mind doing the deeds, the work is necessary and vital to my recovery.  But to give myself credit for being daring, whoa, that is a new one.  Me, daring greatly, is that really what I’m doing by challenging the rut of a life that I was handed….Never, never do I want to be a cold and timid soul….I am gonna think about this and really, really try this one on for size….I like it, a daring soul?… me? 

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