August 8, 2011….This is the thing about recovering memories from a past trauma, a secret life buried so deep that you not only fail to recognize its existence, you remain unaware of its power; that it manipulates and deceives you, seducing, coaxing until it seizes your being and pulls you into a blackness that you think must be insanity. There are no explanations, your family, doctors or even God doesn’t respond with any help.
At least that’s what I thought for a very long time. All the while, my angels were diligently hovering, singing, sending animals and people and love to help crack away the hardened evil shell that covered my soul and eventually after many years of desperate prayer and sitting with my soul contemplating whether to end the pain today or try to find hope for one more hour, one more afternoon, one more night…the memories and my past started to come back.
I wanted a full length, epic movie complete with sequels. What I got was a dark room with a split second pop of a old fashioned camera with a flash cube. What I saw during that moment of illumination was what I had to work with for the next few weeks or months until the next illumination was given to me. This pace is determined by the benevolent goddesses who have lovingly gotten me this far in this journey, their divine energy knowing when to present more information and when to withhold, leaving no room for the earthly human impatience and grandiose demands.
Then soon I was given the dimension of feeling. If I paid close enough attention, sensations and feelings would wash over me at different times, with different people, in various types of lighting and times of day. In the most humbling of ways, I became aware that the information was there for me to gather and interpret and as soon as I ceased to think that it would only come to me in one way, the sooner I could take a step closer to the truth.