“But you will be better soon.”
“But you are getting better.”
I’m so weary of this phrase chirped over and over to me, friends and relatives refusing to see me, to really look at me, skimming along the surface like water bugs.
So what if I eat slower than I used to or sometimes lose my thoughts easily….they will eventually come back or they won’t. What’s the rush? Where does everyone need to be? Does me getting better mean that I join you in a world of injured souls eating bad food and ignoring the pain in their neighbor’s eyes just because you are in a hurry and have a million things to do? No thanks. Instead I will accept this illness with grace as the gift that it was given to me that I can know the world in a way that most folks can’t or won’t.
I know Emma’s favorite cracker to make bread crumbs; she reminds me often when i see her at the market and I thank her each time. She tells me with such a gleam in her eye that her husband loved her cooking when he was alive. I know that Barney the dog prefers the green treats to brown ones and that he will sit up on his hind legs when he sees me coming around the corner while walking Rosie in the evening. I know that the pierced kid who has shown up for drama every day this semester, who doesn’t speak much, looks so surprised when I compliment his artwork that he wears on his skin. What’s the equivalent of that knowledge mean to you in your world? Masters or PhD?
Your efforts to entice me back into your crazy empty world do not go unnoticed, its just that your currency holds no value. Conversations on your latest purchase/home remodel/trip abroad/over entitled children’s latest example of lack of gratitude sour my stomach. Who decided that your way was better? You don’t seem that peaceful to me.
My dogs will wait patiently, accepting, sniffing, while my erratic gait interrupts our walking pace. They don’t ask or care about my creditials or bank account balance. I prefer their company these days as I tune into their frequency instead of the skimming water bug people.
I know I’m tough to look at these days. Illness has that effect on people, I get it. So I scare you a bit and you have to glimpse at yourself and your own mortality and yes, it will freak you out. Seeing your reflection always does when your psyche is mirrored back to you for the first time. Especially so when you don’t want to look.
But you will be better soon, you are getting better they chirp. I say “what’s wrong with me the way I am?”
“What’s wrong with me now?”