but you will be better soon….

“But you will be better soon.”

“But you are getting better.”

I’m so weary of this phrase chirped over and over to me, friends and relatives refusing to see me, to really look at me, skimming along the surface like water bugs.

So what if I eat slower than I used to or sometimes lose my thoughts easily….they will eventually come back or they won’t. What’s the rush?  Where does everyone need to be?  Does me getting better mean that I join you in a world of injured souls eating bad food and ignoring the pain in their neighbor’s eyes just because you are in a hurry and have a million things to do?  No thanks.  Instead I will accept this illness with grace as the gift that it was given to me that I can know the world in a way that most folks can’t or won’t.

I know Emma’s favorite cracker to make bread crumbs; she reminds me often when i see her at the market and I thank her each time.  She tells me with such a gleam in her eye that her husband loved her cooking when he was alive.  I know that Barney the dog prefers the green treats to brown ones and that he will sit up on his hind legs when he sees me coming around the corner while walking Rosie in the evening.  I know that the pierced kid who has shown up for drama every day this semester, who doesn’t speak much, looks so surprised when I compliment his artwork that he wears on his skin.  What’s the equivalent of that knowledge mean to you in your world?  Masters or PhD?

Your efforts to entice me back into your crazy empty world do not go unnoticed, its just that your currency holds no value. Conversations on your latest purchase/home remodel/trip abroad/over entitled children’s latest example of lack of gratitude sour my stomach.  Who decided that your way was better?  You don’t seem that peaceful to me.

My dogs will wait patiently, accepting, sniffing, while my erratic gait interrupts our walking pace.  They don’t ask or care about my creditials or bank account balance.  I prefer their company these days as I tune into their frequency instead of the skimming water bug people.

I know I’m tough to look at these days.  Illness has that effect on people, I get it.  So I scare you a bit and you have to glimpse at yourself and your own mortality and yes, it will freak you out.  Seeing your reflection always does when your psyche is mirrored back to you for the first time.  Especially so when you don’t want to look.

But you will be better soon, you are getting better they chirp.  I say “what’s wrong with me the way I am?”  

“What’s wrong with me now?”

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About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

8 responses to “but you will be better soon….

  • Randy Creath

    As you walk the world that hurt you, hear the whispers of those who don’t care what you look like and remember you are loved!!

  • danmcgaffin

    Quite a few things you said here touched me. I wonder if I am one of the “skimming water bug people”. I am sure I can be. Seeing the inner beauty of people or how they’ve grown from the challenges they have faced can be hard. I have a hard time being open with people face to face. I can be very quiet unless I know them well. It’s so much easier when I’m behind this screen. Concentrating on the intangible things in life instead of the mundane things of day to day living is also a challenge.

  • Crowing Crone Joss

    today you are in this place, on this journey of healing. You have nothing to apologize for and much to be proud of – the courage to be who you are, to discover who you are is a gift beyond measure. Better soon? Better than what? Better than who? You are here today, as you are. Hold close those who smile with you and hold you in their hearts.

    • Little L

      oh Joss, thank you for these beautiful words…i feel so sad tonight and this just lifted my spirits…you are right, i am here now, just as i am which is perfect. thanks for the smile….

  • Debbie king Killian

    My dear friend, you will be just fine. I know that the world wants to mold us into the imagine that it thinks we should be, but each of us are our own unique individual and our recovery is in Gods timing. I know at time people think we need to hurry up and get better or wonder why it is taking us so long. But as we so journ in this world, I’d rather be true to me than to try and transform into someone I am not. You are a precious jewel whom God loves, and He will take care of those things which concern you. Don’t ever allow someone to pressure you into someone you are not. I happen to think you are a very special and unique person, whom God has blessed me with in my life.

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