she wants to be here and she’s ready to speak, more than ready. she reminds me again and again and again. and very strongly i might add because she’s upped the ante on my lack of attention to her by giving me all kinds of crazy body feelings. she is so miffed at me that my ear swells and becomes hot and red, my energy level bottoms out until i’m forced to lie still and be with her.
to some she may sound annoying but i love her stealth and tenacity. it makes me smile to picture her, nagging and tugging away, when one way doesn’t work she finds another until finally she is heard. when we were both her age, our tenacity was labeled as “spoiled, bratty, dramatic” offending and shattering the silence and secrecy of the familial cult. when a family is trying so hard to keep the lid on their abusive nature combined with the all out fear of making change or looking at a situation differently, the last thing they wanted was a blaring loose cannon of a child threatening their silence. so they beat her down physically and spiritually until she broke and split into several pieces.
but here’s the part that the family didn’t bargain for because ignorance doesn’t see at this level, at the level of love. the greasy filth of ignorance and fear didn’t win against love and tenacity. love wins, it always does. this little girl had the absolute hutzpah to continue to wriggle out of every situation thrown at her, like a cat with more than nine lives, she just popped up somewhere else continuing her job of getting herself out, finding the life she was intended to have and then doing her part to stop the deeply embedded cycle of abuse.
she flies into my dreams with purposeful intention and i’ve finally figured out she is a force not to be ignored and i submit. her agenda wins and i feel in my bones that its the correct one. so we’ve agreed that i will give her part of my day for at least the next month. i will wrap her in quiet, the soft quilt comforter and a bag of dark chocolate and wait. wait patiently while she continues to speak to me. its only a a guess from the heart of how to proceed to earn her trust although i’m sure she will tell me as we go along.
giving her space and reverence is the first part of our terms and conditions. i would like her to learn to speak openly from her heart, i would like her to know how much i cherish and admire her strength and tenacity in a situation where most adults would have folded. i want her to know that i pray for her trust to build and her anger to wain; that there is nothing more important than her, to release the sad poison that shaped her most delicate years. she marked time in that emotional prison unprotected and isolated, holding all the darkness of our abusers. we made the wrenching decision to split as there was no safe space left in our combined consciousness, no place for us to be together.
so, she, the tiny little girl stayed while the other left to forge the path out of their hell. i did find a way out for us and i’m so sorry that it took so long. it was very hard work and i lost my way many, many times. but i’m back to retrieve the part i had to leave long ago, no matter how angry she is, how mentally unhinged she becomes at times and no matter how long it takes.