terms and conditions

she wants to be here and she’s ready to speak, more than ready.  she reminds me again and again and again. and very strongly i might add because she’s upped the ante on my lack of attention to her by giving me all kinds of crazy body feelings.  she is so miffed at me that my ear swells and becomes hot and red, my energy level bottoms out until i’m forced to lie still and be with her.

to some she may sound annoying but i love her stealth and tenacity.  it makes me smile to picture her, nagging and tugging away, when one way doesn’t work she finds another until finally she is heard.  when we were both her age, our tenacity was labeled as “spoiled, bratty, dramatic” offending and shattering the silence and secrecy of the familial cult. when a family is trying so hard to keep the lid on their abusive nature combined with the all out fear of making change or looking at a situation differently, the last thing they wanted was a blaring loose cannon of a child threatening their silence.  so they beat her down physically and spiritually until she broke and split into several pieces.

but here’s the part that the family didn’t bargain for because ignorance doesn’t see at this level, at the level of love. the greasy filth of ignorance and fear didn’t win against love and tenacity.  love wins, it always does. this little girl had the absolute hutzpah to continue to wriggle out of every situation thrown at her, like a cat with more than nine lives, she just popped up somewhere else continuing her job of getting herself out, finding the life she was intended to have and then doing her part to stop the deeply embedded cycle of abuse.

she flies into my dreams with purposeful intention and i’ve finally figured out she is a force not to be ignored and i submit.  her agenda wins and i feel in my bones that its the correct one.  so we’ve agreed that i will give her part of my day for at least the next month.  i will wrap her in quiet, the soft quilt comforter and a bag of dark chocolate and wait. wait patiently while she continues to speak to me.  its only a a guess from the heart of how to proceed to earn her trust although i’m sure she will tell me as we go along.

giving her space and reverence is the first part of our terms and conditions. i would like her to learn to speak openly from her heart, i would like her to know how much i cherish and admire her strength and tenacity in a situation where most adults would have folded. i want her to know that i pray for her trust to build and her anger to wain; that there is nothing more important than her, to release the sad poison that shaped her most delicate years.  she marked time in that emotional prison unprotected and isolated,  holding all the darkness of our abusers.  we made the wrenching decision to split as there was no safe space left in our combined consciousness, no place for us to be together.  

so, she, the tiny little girl stayed while the other left to forge the path out of their hell. i did find a way out for us and i’m so sorry that it took so long.  it was very hard work and i lost my way many, many times.  but i’m back to retrieve the part i had to leave long ago, no matter how angry she is, how mentally unhinged she becomes at times and no matter how long it takes.


About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

11 responses to “terms and conditions

  • Merry ME

    Have not know the kind of abuse you speak of, yet know what it feels like to be lost and silenced. I know I must do the same kind of work you write about in order to give my little girl a safe place to be in this world. It’s time to hold her hand and walk with her into a con-joined future.

    • Little L

      Hi Merry ME…..its real important and valuable work no matter what kind of pain we’ve gone through. But its tough too! I feel a bit disjointed when I write so I have to make sure I balance it out with other activities like rolling around on the floor with my dogs! Yes, hold her hand and I will hold yours and on and on it goes…..Joss Burnel, Crowing Crone made that comment to me once and I thought it was beautiful….thanks for the comment!

  • Crowing Crone Joss

    you are an absolute miracle of grace and light. I too have had to do some caring of and nurturing that little girl. Of helping her know we are safe now and no one is here to hurt us. I had the experience of “re-birthing” her a few years ago and I promised from that day to forever keep her safe.
    Be gentle with yourself through all this and yes, have moments of play and lightheartedness – with her even. Here is our hand, reaching out to you and her in gentleness and compassion.

    • Little L

      it makes my heart sing to know that your little girl has been re-birthed and safe now….Joss, you have such insight, I’m so grateful to have found you! I’m holding hands with her and listening to the rain outside my bedroom window…feels so peaceful….

  • Randy Creath

    Little L… I can’t imagine the difficulty of this journey but I’m glad that you’re going to have dark chocolate to keep you company and give you nourishment. If you need more human contact than that, you know how to reach me. Blessings!! Randy

    • Little L

      My journey is difficult but blessed at the same time…this is made possible by love, friends and chocolate!…thanks, your words mean more than you will ever know….having such awesome support sets me free….

  • Nancy Fellenz

    God Bless You and Little L. You are both very strong and brave and have been in the face of terrible adversity. Your writing is so heartfelt and beaautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    • Little L

      Thanks for your comments, I can feel your care and concern from here….my continuing hope is that it stirs something within a person that might be struggling with the same issues and provide some hope.

  • Laurel L. Russwurm

    Your blog is very powerful. Keep on keeping on. I think your important work here helps not only yourself, but many others. You are a very brave lady; good luck in your journey of healing.

    • Little L

      Thanks Laurel…and to think I got to meet you just because we have the same name….i hope it does help others, sometimes the bravery just feels like foolhardy ramblings….

  • DP Blog

    “so, she, the tiny little girl stayed while the other left to forge the path out of their hell. i did find a way out for us and i’m so sorry that it took so long. it was very hard work and i lost my way many, many times. but i’m back to retrieve the part i had to leave long ago, no matter how angry she is, how mentally unhinged she becomes at times and no matter how long it takes.”

    This really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing this 🙂

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