just open a vein and bleed…

*I always struggle with writing. For me, the process is very much like the famous quote from Red Smith: “Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed.”

I hadn’t heard this quote before but it certainly got my attention.  The process of re-creating this jumbled up, riddled with holes kind of journey is tough.  It was tough the first time through and pulling it back up, sifting through and analyzing it isn’t so easy either.

Many days I just don’t want to; it just hurts too much.  But my severed parts scream at me, their phantom pain so raw that they compel me to keep moving forward and keep my eyes on the prize.  So I do.

I have to believe it will work  because I know that all the crazy stuff I’ve done before hasn’t.  Numbing, stuffing it down, staying crazy busy; none of this works so I really get the “open a vein and bleed” concept.  It also has an appeal to my dark and morbid side.  The association comes easily to the dark child reared with pain as her best friend and who comfortably seeps over to dance with her demons.

I’m told that writing is the path to recovery.  At the very least it gives me a place for the scattered debris of words and thoughts to go.  And putting it on paper seems to relieve the burden for me and the small child who carried it all these years.  Maybe it will all come together at some point, I don’t know for sure.  I will trust those who urge people like me to write their stories, they’ve run the marathon and are sitting with the prize.  All I have to do is stay here, write and bleed.

*Post from The Gift of Light on Brene Brown’s blog, Ordinary Courage

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About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

11 responses to “just open a vein and bleed…

  • revrannulf

    Dear Little L… I’ve run no such marathon as yours. My struggle to find a place in life has nearly been the reverse. As a white male I’ve always had easy access to privilege and power. But the artist within me has more empathy with the broken, downtrodden, and suffering populations of the world than with those who’ve dominated it. My bleeding, if I ever have, should serve as a transfusion to you! Walk the road with whatever gentleness you can afford to your damaged self. You deserve the kindness and gentleness that you were so wrongly and evilly denied.

    • Little L

      How awesome is it that you provided gentleness even when you were unaware of it….cause I can look back to that time and feel kindness coming from you and others…its like the boy on the swing who didn’t speak to me but was always there….and great awareness about the access to privilege and power, I’m going to have to think on that one….thanks for being my pal here….

  • Randy Creath

    Dear LIttle L… Sometimes I weep for you and for all of those like who have suffered at the hands of folks like me. I’m a white male and I’ve always had easy access to the power and privilege that goes with the good luck of my birth. Still, my struggle has often been the reverse of yours. My heart has had more empathy and understanding for the victim, the downtrodden, and the abused of this world than it has had for dominance and status wielding class-ism. Please walk gently through your days and bleed as little as you can while the healing works its ways with you. You deserve all the hope I began with and have had to give up. Perhaps my bleeding at rejecting my “privilege” can act as a transfusion for your continued journey toward wholeness.

    • Little L

      Oh my goodness, you can’t take on the sins of the white male…you’ve taken that power and used it for good and i’m cheering you on for doing that….through your music and ministry you have done so much good…how do you think that those of us have been able to have a foundation on which to stand….i’m proud of you for all you do because that can be a heavy burden too….okay we need some humor therapy now…I’m going for chocolate! (hug)

  • ☼Illuminary☼

    Do not silence any part of your being..
    and when the words do not come,
    sing them to the listening heavens, crying them to the earths bosom..
    your words are a gift…

  • DP Blog

    Your writing is refreshingly clear, which to me usually means that you’re connected to your true self.

    I look forward to reading through your blog!

    • Little L

      Thanks DP….I appreciate any and all feedback and I’m interested in your thoughts on depersonalization so I’m headed over to your blog….

    • Little L

      I’ve been reading all of your posts as they come in and I’m so impressed with the beautiful way that you’ve researched all this material…while I approach healing more like a spewing loose cannon of emotion, you come through with such precision and eloquence…i look forward to reading more…

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