weirdly grateful

i’m feeling weirdly grateful as i sit in a coffee shop playing hooky from life.

i don’t want to be at home planning my holiday dinner to make everyone else feel as if we have all met some crazy criteria and checked off some box of “there, that’s done”.  its not making me feel good at all and am wondering why do i’m doing this to myself.  i have to stop the planning that is making me feel crazy and get in touch with what is making me feel mean instead of just saying no, this is not what i want.  there are so many layers of issues here and i must go somewhere to sort them out, so here i am figuring out what hurts before i can find gratitude.  and to top it off, i don’t feel eloquent.  i’m not inspirational right now and my essence isn’t shining through.  the words aren’t really flowing, they feel stuck in my throat and i want to cry.

first and foremost, i miss my daughter.  i haven’t completely adjusted to not having her in my life, she is forever angry at me and even if she shows up to the holiday gathering, it won’t be like she is really there in spirit or with love.  that is the part that i miss.  the sweet little girl who drew cards for me for my birthday and shopped for my christmas gift on the sly, the tiniest of gestures that i recall as monumental. slowly rotating that thought,  i’m grateful to have the most wonderful of daughters and for the moment of balance where i surround her with love during her time of confusion and questioning.   a huge gift for the both of us.

second to that, i miss my family.  not my husband’s family but mine.  my tribe, the ones who have the same blood running through their veins.  i appreciate and am grateful to my husband’s family.  they have provided me with a security and a comfort that i have never known.  their longstanding history of stability and enough money has benefitted me greatly and for the most part, that is where i want to be.  but sometimes, i want my own people.  even though i know that they aren’t good for me, that most of them are in a seriously amount of denial about the incidents of abuse in our family and even though that i have to look hard to find anything in common with them.  many of my family are smart and have bright, sharp minds and wit.  but what they do with their god given talents is where the true sadness of the story lies. they can’t see their gifts, they can’t love themselves enough to stop perpetuating the cycle of isolation and ignorance that was handed to us.  i was the one who got angry and got out of there and not only handed that cycle back, i threw it at their faces and shot it from a gun aimed directly at their hearts. so, i’m grateful for my family that i grew up with and the ability to know what is good for me.  kind of the serenity prayer of the wisdom to know the difference.

next, i miss my tribe of women, the alice’s of my life.  marianne and i were ruminating over this last night on the phone about how life changes and moves forward and we lose some friends/husbands/lovers/children, hold onto some and gain some new ones.  a bittersweet movement that we have become accustomed to its comings and goings, noting that it doesn’t sting like it used to.  the first time i experienced that kind of rejection, betrayal, loss, it knocked me to my knees, i couldn’t breathe for weeks and felt my legs were made of jello.  i didn’t know what to do with that crazy amount of hurt, it suffocated me.

but now, i’ve weathered divorce, parental deaths, injury, loss of health, recovered memories of abuse and a daughter who finds me intolerable and while this all sucks big time and often sends me the bed to pull the covers up over my head, it doesn’t suffocate me any longer.  i can breathe, not great, not strong or not deeply, but i still function.  for that i am weirdly grateful.  now i know the difference between regular-i’m-human kind of hurt and trauma that cripples and maims because i’ve survived it.

so i sit here and force myself to write about feelings.  it helps to know that one of my heroes, Martha Beck, isn’t a party person either.  her post today reveals something i would have never suspected about such an successful and together woman as herself; she struggles with social anxiety.  wow. i would never in a million years judge her as less than because of this, yet continue to judge myself for needing solitude at this time in my life.

can i be grateful just to have learned this for today and begin to start knowing myself well enough to accept this? can i be grateful for the courage to write my words while stammering and awkward?

i continue the search for purpose behind the madness and gratitude where i’ve only known anger and fear.  this is why i left the house, this is why i can’t stay there and risk hurting my gentle husband. i have to be the inspiration i need right now. i say no to the party and yes to me.

About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

9 responses to “weirdly grateful

  • Nancy Fellenz

    You are a survivor…and you are brave, and honest, and hurt, and vulnerable, and you still keep on… You are amazing. Your daughter will return…not the same person she was or is now, but the new person she becomes. Tomorrow I will be with my daughters on Thanksgiving for the first time in 15 years. So much has passed, I’ve hurt so badly I thought I couldn’t survive, and now, the one daughter who most estranged herself from me is a mother, and she is seeing things so differently. It’s a scary miracle! Some of the best times are the alone times, the times of being in pain and being okay being in a cleansing pain. Other times the aloneness is such a relief from having to be anybody’s idea of you! God Bless You. I send you Light and Love.

    • Little L

      Nancy…So good to hear your comments and it sounds like a long road for you too…Beautiful story of your reconnection with your daughter, I’m so happy for you and wish you the best for your holiday…I do believe my daughter will come back to me and I will spend this time with myself and other people who are right for me at this stage….so sorry for all your hurt…stay in touch

  • Crowing Crone Joss

    take time out from life is quite okay, writing down what hurts and helps is even more okay. and as you know, saying ‘yes to me’ is part of the healing journey. Your daughter will return. Mine did after five years of silence preceded by hateful, hurtful words. We are now the best of friends. In the meantime, continue on your journey. All will be well. All is well.

    • Little L

      can’t believe how many of us have had struggles with our daughters, i’m finding that i’m not the only one…i do believe you and will hold that in my heart every day. as always, thank you…

  • Barbarie

    Beautiful shared Laural:

    So courageous, so reveal, so much truth truth telling, so deeply heart felt. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and wanderings. You inspire me Dear Sweet One.

    Thank You!.

    • Little L

      Barbarie-I love having you out there reading my stuff and taking this journey with me…remember I wrote about you in my very first post because you were the one who nudged me to do this….so I give you a thank you in return….

  • ☼Illuminary☼

    You know ,
    sometimes I honestly do NOT know what to say in the comments on your posts.
    You have some really raw ones in here. Ones that have left me wet faced and enraged.
    But I have this thing, I am working thru
    about words.
    About their power, and about being heard.
    so when I read this post, I thought about all the running away i did in the last 10 days. I thought about How not social at all I am, how I NEED my hermits life, more than anything.
    So I want to say I understand, sitting alone, thinking, and wanting certain people here, and certain others gone. I Like your honesty, and your deep introspection.
    Thank you for sharing it..
    even if I don’t always know what to say…

    • Little L

      thanks fred….your comments always get to me too…is this a good thing to write in a way that makes you and others feel enraged…i wonder sometimes if i’m dancing too much on the dark side…love it when you stop by…always thought provoking…

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