There are days when I feel like I’m invisible.
There are definitely days when I feel like my existence doesn’t really account for much and that my friends and family fail to see me either by their inability to understand who I really am or they know who I am and just can’t deal with it. Either way it makes for some fairly isolated times. Still, its a better choice to protect and put myself first than to be around people just for the sake of it.
One of the most soothing, honoring exercises I do is write. Sometimes its silly stuff but more often, I dive in head first into the memories of my abusive past and their manifestations of my present. Starting this blog was first and foremost for me but then quickly grew to almost an obsession to connect with others who’ve had this or a similar experience. It seemed that this was the one sure fire way that I could confirm my existence and quickly found that survivors not only validate my experiences but are hungry for a place to share their unique stories and set of circumstances. And I knew in my gut that this connection would be the healing force for me as I attempted to lift my fellow survivor out of the muck.
My biggest confirmation thus far is to receive The Candle Lighter Award from a fellow blogger, BiPolarMuse, a young woman whose name I don’t know but stories that I do know. I am in awe of her writing as well as the stories that I’m finding among these everyday women scattered across the internet. These are her words… “The Candle Lighter Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world. The Candle Lighter Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and who never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying.” Wow…those words made my day.
This small circle that keeps widening continues to fascinate me. I must admit, however, I rarely feel like a candle lighter and it feels odd to accept this compliment when its me that reaps the benefits of these relationships. But, I do love the fabulous image of a candle’s glow, illuminating a path for others and bringing our truth to the light. Have I really made a difference to anyone but myself? Could that really be me?
Heck yeah, it is.