the hole

AS SHE WALKED HER PATH, THE EARTH STARTED TO TREMBLE, the air around her thick and still, its surface opening up and swallowing her whole, plummeting her downward, downward into the pitch black darkness and muck.

the dark terrified her instantly, she sat paralyzed from shock, unable to move for hours, unable to make sense of the instant void that surrounded her

the dust settled while her heart stopped its pounding to realize the was in  that place again

it took hours to leave the shock, to gather her wits, find her courage to scratch her way out, scaling the walls only to fall back down over and over and over

eventually she wore out; exhausted, crumbled, weeping and scraped, she began to pray for hours while looking up at the light and the heavens beyond the opening of the cavity that contained her

she heard voices and leapt up thinking her prayers were answered, the people came and looked down the hole at her

“help me please, help me out of here”, the people didn’t move but said it was her place to help herself, it had to be her journey out, no one can help you but yourself

“don’t leave me please, i have been trying very hard” but the people who looked down on her said they loved her and would be with her when she got out and reminded her to use her skills and then they were gone

their words cut her heart and she bled

she wept with despair in the damp dark place, in that place

night came and then daylight, days came and went, she was thirsty and in agony cried out for her mother, for God, for mercy

many more times she attempted to scale those walls, looking for solid surfaces to grasp, rocks came loose, sliding down again

the people came back to look down on her and ask what she needed, “i need help, throw me a lifeline, get someone to help me please, i can’t do this myself”

again they didn’t move to help her but tossed her some food, saying that they were embarrassed to call for help, they had never known someone so dirty and trapped, it would bring shame to their family but would be happy to be with her when she got out and then they were gone

their words cut her again and she bled, but this time the bottom of the hole shifted and gave way as she felt herself plummet deeper into the abyss

she screamed long after they were gone, long into the night until she didn’t recognize her own voice any longer, as if it came from somewhere else in her soul

the nighttime animals began to come to her and encircle the hole and give comfort, they offered their wisdom and insight while she reflected on her place in the hole. it brought her peace but still no answers as to why she was denied help, why she wasn’t worthy of assistance

more days and nights;  weeping, raging, begging, accepting

the people came again and looked down at her.  “its such a beautiful day, the sun is shining and we’ve been enjoying ourselves so much,  how are you doing on such a lovely day?”

to this, she raised her hands and with what little strength she had, threw rocks at their faces, cursing at them for leaving her alone in such a desolate place.  she screamed at them for ignoring her cries for help and for their empty words

the people were horrified at her angry outbursts and quickly retaliated with scolding and finger pointing “we will not be yelled at after everything we’ve done for you”, their shouting so loud, it echoed deep into the cavernous hole, reverberating off the walls and into her brain until she felt her insides shake with their fear and hatred

and then they were gone

it is here that she finally breaks.  no more hope, no more tears, no more believing in love, no more trying to get out.  she slumped against the filthy wall of her prison and surrendered to her  inevitable demise

About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

11 responses to “the hole

  • chattingwithspirit

    I would have thrown a long rope down the hole and with all my strength I would have pulled and pulled …..

    ….. long ago I had been in that same hole …. x

    • Rescuing Little L

      my goodness, I appreciate the offer…isn’t it true that once you’ve been down that hole, you pretty much know what to do…so wonderful to be surrounded by these beautiful spirits who get it…THANK YOU ((hug))

  • revrannulf

    So heartwrrenching… So lonely… I have rope and am willing to share, pull, rig, lift, whatever – if it will help…

  • wholly jeanne

    where to start? this is crackerjack writing. that doesn’t say it nearly good enough, but i like this kind of tightly-written-yet-loose-enough-to-get-into writing. and the essence of the content – oh my goodness, sugar. i wiggle in from all sides of this. i mean, sure, i like to crawl up in a cave sometimes and be by myself in the dark cause that’s the only way i can get enough space to do that certain kind of thinking/feeling. but this isn’t that. this makes me shake my fists, stomp my feet, throw back my head and yell louder than loud: I AM SO DAMN TIRED OF THIS BOOTSTRAP SHITTALK. of course this is where unworthiness sets in. when you’re alone in the dark and you can see people going about their business but nobody reaches a hand out or drops you a flashlight or offers you a ride on their smile, it’s hard to come up with any other explanation. oh sugar, there is so much here . . .

    • Rescuing Little L

      wholly jeanne…you are my new best friend…just these words alone seem to lift me from the hole…yes, i am not asking for someone to pull me out and throw me a parade…just some help would be great, i’ve never relied on others to do my work and OMG, how wonderful that you get that! ~Love to you~

  • Crowing Crone Joss

    when she, exhausted, falls asleep, an angel quietly glides down the rough sharp walls, lies down beside her and wraps her in soft wings of grace and strength. She slowly awakens and the angel smiles and says, come, we’ll climb out together, towards the light.

    • Rescuing Little L

      Ohhh….that is perfect!!!! Just by providing me the ability to reframe and rewrite the end was the information I needed to come out of the hole….YES, of course, I have helpers outside of the human world….Joss Burnel, you are an angel yourself….and I will keep this close to my heart should I feel the sliding occur again….I’m on Day 6 and climbing out with the help of my earth friends and angels…(hug)

      • Crowing Crone Joss

        It’s what I saw as I came to the end of your post. this beautiful angel silently moving down towards you to comfort you, lift you up and climb out with you.
        blessings and a gentle hug of comfort and strength to you.

      • Rescuing Little L

        How lucky am I to have you in my life…I will add this to my bag of tools…I’m too familiar with struggle and not well acquainted enough with hope, thanks for reminding me of that today, its quite a gift 🙂

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