the littlest L

so tiny and little  
the smallest of small  
barely a faint beat of a heart   
almost non existent, trying not to be  
too small to know how to stop her life  
mustn't make noise shhhh   
stay still, stay frozen 
don't need anything, anything at all   
she tries not to breathe or take up air  
barely tolerated when invisible loathed when seen   
she won't eat for fear of prolonging her life 
they tell her not to feel, cry, be   
she mustn't ask for anything 
kill her hearts desire for love  
she aches for comfort, people, laughter, relief  
but knows she isn't one of God's children deserving of these gifts   
she feels the tears but won't allow them to come  
they are not acceptable feelings show her humanness 
she despises her feelings they are wrong, always wrong   
shamed and beaten for them she hates herself more  
its better this way 
must remain frozen to keep the pain at bay   
her skin screams for sensation she won't give in  
cutting, slicing would allow her to feel 
thrusting her again to the place where she is hated  
turning to her refuge, she rolls into a ball and slips toward sleep   
her respite  
wanting the angels to visit her in the solitude of sleep  
praying the angels see her  
begging them to take her home

About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

11 responses to “the littlest L

  • Melynnda*

    Sending Love to all the Little L’s still suffering. May Angels attend them and bring intervention. Peace to you, M*

  • Crowing Crone Joss

    tiny, frail, and needing comfort. I hold her within my cupped hands and whisper to her of grace. She is loved now and no longer needs to hide. She is supported now and no longer needs to be quiet. She is surrounded by angels of many kinds and no longer needs to fear. I pour these words from my lips into her heart and she sighs, curls up and rests.

  • ☼Illuminary☼

    I will always wonder why you have a child not to love.A child is one so fresh from heaven is nothing but an angel, filled with love…

  • revrannulf

    No matter her desire to disappear, Little L will never go away. And, yes the angels are coming, to bring her into the light so that the shadows are banned from making her decisions! Be well, Little L. For that is to what you are called!!

  • wholly jeanne

    i send flares to the angels, not so they can whisk little l away, but so they can join me, help me. we take that rope that not everybody had the good sense to toss down to little l when she was at the bottom of a deep, deep dark hole and we turn it into a hammock, making the knots good and strong so they will hold little l who will grow bigger and stronger in our protection. it takes time, and we are patient. we never grow bored. we never leave. never.

    • Rescuing Little L

      okay, seriously, you just made me cry…a good cry…you must know how much the words mean to have said them to me…we never leave, never…such music to the ears to the little one…my goodness, how did i get so lucky to find such love? the concept of taking her time, growing stronger in a natural, gentle way is one she’s never been given and is just now learning to give herself…i model after the fabulous women here, watching and soaking up what true love looks like…thanks seems so small but nevertheless, thank you…

      • Wholly Jeanne

        You know, Clarissa Pinkola Estes points out that the original meaning of the word “danger” is “protection.” So Little L, stand in my danger. Stand in our danger. We are here to stay, here to hold, here to protect.

      • Rescuing Little L

        thanks so much, you are a beautiful, beautiful woman with words that soothe my soul….

  • A. B'Alis

    Thank you so much you’re poem helped me grieve a litte more, I can relate to how small and voiceless and barely there you had to be.

    • Rescuing Little L

      I’m glad for whatever comfort I could help you with….Please feel free to comment anytime. My hope is that we can always come to places like this and find friends and support during our recovery….I am following your blog now too…Blessings to you!

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