would i still be a part of your world…

There is a huge conflict going on inside of me, one that I’ve been denying on many levels for months now.

The anxiety is so huge that there isn’t enough medication, alcohol, or busyness to tame it.  There is a world that beckons me, one that I can’t/won’t/don’t know how to become one with.  Its there in my dreams, its there in my waking thoughts and with me throughout my day, no matter who I’m talking to or what activity I’m attempting  to do.  I smell things when no one else does.  I see shadows out of my periphery constantly.  Any random person’s energy can send me all over the place, reducing me to tears in minutes or set my heart singing with joy.  There are times when I am certain that I am going crazy or are at least partly there already.

Phrases keep cycling through my mind and shadowing my daily activities.  Undoubtedly put there by my higher power, a scrolling ticker-tape message…                           “you are afraid of your spiritual gifts“….“let go and receive”  

Does one really hear sentences from the divine?  Do messages come through like that really?  Complete sentences plopped into your thinking?  Does the divine feel a relentless yet benevolent desire to alert a person to their gifts or journey in a way that they won’t let up for anything?  And more importantly, does a physical body become ill when you don’t live according to your true destiny and path?

The messages coming through the natural world are increasing too.  More hawks swooping over me. Deer peeking out of the bushes when I’m in silent meditation.  Hummingbirds hovering in front of me and looking me in the eye.  Coyotes howling… all grab my attention immediately but what are they saying?  What is with this barrage of information?  I get that its the cosmic “Hey, look at me” but to what?  What am I supposed to get that I’m NOT getting?

I’ve accepted the label of “emotionally sensitive” given to me by therapists, immediate family, friends and those in the healing and mystical arts.  I can live with that.  But even that label is seriously understated.

I now know and acknowledge that I feel things 1000 percent harder than most, maybe more.  It can be a wonderful yet paralyzing gift if there is no one to show or explain to you about the enormity of the feeling you are having.  My world rocks like I’m on a ship being cast about at sea.  I seek answers from those around me and my closest friends get weird questions from me all the time.  Did you feel that person’s sadness/fear/joy?  Do you smell a campfire/skunk/Old Spice/beauty salon smell/cigars, etc?  Or, we need to leave this place, the energy is choking/suffocating/heavy with sadness.  My poor husband and daughter are used to it but frankly, we’ve all thought I’m about to teeter over the edge at times.

But the thought that brings one of my biggest sense of fear and can immediately send me into an anxiety attack of epic proportion is…Will I be totally ostracized when I allow myself to succumb to this beautiful, alternative, spiritual world?

Our media driven-pop culture-capitalist worshipping world we live in is dictated by norms….outward appearance, job, which church one attends(not if), the house one lives in.  I don’t find our world to be a place where our gentleness is admired, where one looks at your heart first, a greeting to inquire of whether you have a spiritual practice or how do you find your peace.

Apparently, I am looking for that place as much as it is looking for me.  But I know I’m still blocking it somehow, wondering and feeling deep anguish over this one central thought.

Would I still be a part of your world if I allowed myself to be fully who I am?   Authentically, beautifully and blissfully weird?

Recommended Links:  Let your freak flag fly….http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ruthless-Compassion-Institute/121541431101

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About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

32 responses to “would i still be a part of your world…

  • revrannulf

    You’ll always be welcome in my world – wherever your path leads. I just hope that I’ll have a tiny place in your world. I’ll be glad to I watch you heal, hear you sing, and rejoice as the dancing hope of life comes through the back-channels of the spiritual world. Yes, it’s there, here, everywhere and it’s in this envionment of spiritual portents in which we all live but few of us recognize. Use wisely the sense you’ve been given.

  • Heather

    Been there done that!! The shadows are the elves n fairies, merrily going about their way. One of the best tips I received from a dear friend: Bless it/Thank it. Oh, it is really that simple and VERY helpful. It allows the “ego” to accept the idea that it is “ok”. We are not really different, we are just listening: listening to the animal kingdom, listening to Mother Nature, listening to the vibrational energies all around us. Hope this helps! Heather:)

  • illuminary

    blissfully weird?
    ~smile~
    sugar that is my whole world….
    it’s that other world, the one they say is real..
    thats the one that always bums me out.

    • Rescuing Little L

      Hey sweetie…so you live there too? Its a good place isn’t it? Don’t know why I’m afraid but working diligently on releasing that old crusty stuff….yeah, you got that right, that other world is a bummer…love crossing paths with you again!

  • Chris

    Oh my goodness. I’ve “heard” that exact phrase several times before. When I’m in that space, the consistent message is allow, receive, accept, etc. If this is the “theme” of living spiritually, then I suspect therein lies the answer to your question. I’ve asked the same question many times before, and it’s probably part of the reason I ignore that part of me to the extent that I do.

    Here’s my advice to myself, and to you, if you feel it resonates: Let go. Receive your intuitions–AND your gifts–fully. This is not something outside of you. You are immersed in Spirit, and Spirit flows though you, like a fish in the ocean. Receive it with an open heart, knowing that it’s no less a part of your experience than the physical world. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the two are inseparable to us right now, and what better formula for growth could there be?!

    Adventure on, my new friend!

    Chris

    P.S. Thank you for this. You just played a huge role in my day, and will in days to come, I’m sure. Thanks for being a participant in my creation. I hope to do the same for you, whether it be willfully or unwittingly. Peace.

    • Rescuing Little L

      Hi Chris…You made my day by sharing my blog, thank you for that…I’ll be returning the favor! I continue to be amazed at the wealth of women that I found via the internet who now serve as such an integral part of my life. Even though none of us have met in person, our souls dance together often…

      Not sure what I did exactly to help you in your day but if I did, then I just accomplished what I set out to do when I hit the publish button for the first time. I have to be able to make this life experience matter, I have to know that somehow my journey will help another.

      Blessings to you darlin’…

      • Chris

        Thanks, L. I’m actually a man, but I get that a lot. When you share personal stories and let your feelings show, you get a lot of folks assuming you’re female, and I understand that. I am proud of my more feminine qualities. 🙂

      • Rescuing Little L

        That is so funny….yes, I thought you were a woman by your sensitivities…why aren’t more guys cued into that? Now I remember you from the post about St. Baldrick’s which I how I originally found your blog…I do appreciate you setting me straight because I would have been embarrassed if you hadn’t or might have asked you an untimely question about your monthly cycle 🙂

      • Chris

        Haha! No worries. I don’t know why more men aren’t openly sensitive, but it’s something that I’m making a concerted effort to show. It’s always been there, it’s just a matter of having the self-confidence to come across as non-masculine.

  • Deborah the Closet Monster

    You would indeed. The world itself may not be that welcoming, but there are many safe harbors, and for each of those that shelters me–no matter how long–I am grateful. This post is such a safe harbor, for it is a reminder of the goodness that’s out there, whether or not it’s visible at any/every given moment.

  • mindfulness4now

    If that’s weird we all need more weirdness. I think it’s the opposite really…weird is not being in tune with our gorgeous universe and God-given spiritual centre. God bless. Leanne

  • suzicate

    These sensitivities can be unsettling at times can’t they? And at the same time it gives us renewed energy and comfort…and sometimes it depends on the scent, shadow, flutter as to my reaction.

    • Rescuing Little L

      Yes! the sensitivities can be unsettling! I’m learning more and more about them and how to make them my friend instead of an intruder…this takes a lot of practice as well as the gratitude and blessing of the messages as they come to me. So nice to hear your comments on this subject, its not one that I get to a lot of interaction on….Blessings to you Suzicate…

  • Ken Robert Coe

    I do not understand. You are part of the world. You are aware of the world. Being aware of the world, it’s nuances, it’s creatures and their communications, hearing that “still small voice” that speaks of using your gifts…this is what is called mental illness today? In a culture wherein awareness of the world is steadily atrophying, you shine like a light in the darkness. Only the blind cannot see that.
    I am relieved greatly to know you are here.

  • Crowing Crone Joss

    Sisters? oh yes! This is my world and like you I share it rarely but more and more I know, I know this is who I am. Dragon flies flutter before me as I walk, crows call to me, The buck who visited my garden this Spring has not returned since I spoke to him and told him he did not belong in my garden. Will you still be a part of my world? more so every day. Thank you for posting this. We are many. You and I, we are not alone. We belong and Spirit is calling us forth to claim the person we are. Oh I wish we could sit down, over a cup of tea, and talk and talk and talk. Blessed be, my sister, blessed be.

    • Rescuing Little L

      Sister, I love how that sounds….of course I would be a part of your world and would be honored to do so…Isn’t it odd how I would extend that honor to you but am not automatically inclined to give that gift to myself…oh my, I still am learning! A day with the dragonflies and crows sounds delightful and often that is how I spend mine. As my awareness unfolds, I find that its when I try to make my unique spirit conform to a line of thinking that isn’t at all me, that’s when the trouble starts. Let us all join hands again in our uniqueness….Yes, someday there will be tea and conversation, I just know it…

  • Holly

    You ask if you would be part of my world if you allow yourself to be “authentically, beautifully and blissfully weird”…it is for this “way of being” that I was drawn to you in the first place! Just BE my dear!

    • Rescuing Little L

      Oh Holly…this is the nicest thing I’ve heard today! Feeling especially weird today as I gave my daughter a sendoff to move cross country…and I came home to your beautiful comment, I’m touched! Thanks for that…

  • WordsFallFromMyEyes

    Your blog really speaks what you feel, Rescuing. It is beautifully honest. You seem to struggle much, yet as an observer of how you are, I imagine many many doors opening to you.

    Always take care of your self. It took me way to long to learn that one. Hope you have a good weekend.

    • Rescuing Little L

      Learning how to care for myself, a very strange notion but one I’m grasping…with the help of friends and my partner, I’m getting there….and also my virtual friends who support me through cyberspace…

      • auntyuta

        “Emotionally sensitive”, my younger brother was given this label from an early age. Maybe I wasn’t given this label until I was in my teens. The second of my two younger brothers was never given this label. He was always the easy going, happy kind of child. Even as a grown man he could probably still be placed in this category. As far as I remember I became emotionally very sensitive when I found myself in between my parents in my early teenage years. My parents just could not get along with each other. I found it impossible to take sides with one or the other because I loved them both.
        I think you mentioned somewhere that you don’t like to be rushed. When I feel rushed by someone I can immediately feel totally flustered. I always love it when people find the time to have long talks with each other. Some of my earliest memories are having long talks with my younger “sensitive” brother. Later on I didn’t feel quite as close to him anymore. When I was in my teens, both my younger brothers would label me “Die Doofe”, meaning something like the “silly” or “stupid” one. I don’t think it bothered me very much that they should think this. It just showed me that we didn’t have much in common at the time. They weren’t in my world and I wasn’t in theirs.
        It’s fantastic when you meet someone who is emotionally on the same wave-length as you are. This is when you can feel truly alive! And this is what makes the blogosphere so interesting.
        Today I caught up with some of your other blogs. Your attachment to “the boy” you describe beautifully. It’s very disconcerting that there are adults in this world who have no qualms on intruding in this way into the beautiful world of a child. Your blog showed me how much my so very “sensitive” brother was a part of my world at the time. Fortunately we didn’t have to suffer anything like the pain you poor kids had to suffer. We lived through the beginnings of WW II at the time, but our world was very peaceful the way I see it now. This brother who was so close to me as a young child, suffered greatly throughout his life. He’s going to be 75 this year and finds coping with life extremely difficult. It saddens me that there isn’t much I can do for him.
        Thanks for visiting one of my posts. Your visits are always welcome!

      • Rescuing Little L

        Wow, Aunty, thanks for stopping by and this wonderful story of you and your brother. I can feel the closeness as you describe him with such sensitivity. It is so difficult to manage these feelings as a child as I’ve always had the feeling that I never did enough for him or that I should have somehow protected him more. That has translated to many situations where I feel so small in a world full of children needing saved. I’m sure that you provided him with a safety that he needed even if he still does have difficulty at this age. The boy in the story still has trouble too as you can tell in the story. But I console myself with the fact that I pray and surround him in light always and that at least he knew my presence at whatever level I could offer.

        I will be visiting again soon! My only problem with the blogosphere is that I have found so many new friends with interesting stories that I can’t keep up with all of them. But even that I find to be a happy problem.
        Blessings my dear!

      • heather

        Good to see you at the seminar, hope you took home some tools!! 🙂

      • Rescuing Little L

        I did, thank you…good to see you too! It was great to see familiar faces there and have thought of y’all this weekend soaking up Donna Eden!

  • auntyuta

    Here’s to Happy Problems, dear. Bless you.

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