what it takes to start writing….again

1604885_10152130171577702_1009583295_nSomewhere around the end of last year, right around the holidays, the bottom fell out of my world. Emotionally, spiritually, physically.  Actually, it had been falling out for over a year but the accumulated stress hadn’t taken its final blow.

It wasn’t the first time or the second but what felt like the hundredth, thousandth, millionth time.  All my coping skills had been used over the last year surviving several huge hurdles and I now found myself with what felt like an empty bag of tricks.

The number of times I’ve bottomed out or the trauma of my childhood isn’t the point of this blog post, its about what I did in that situation.  What I did was succumb. Psychically unplugged from life.  Flat. out. gave. up.  It had won.  I just couldn’t pull myself up one more freakin’ time to stare down the demons again and again and again.  Wouldn’t do it for my daughter, my husband and or for my dogs, which if you knew me is saying a lot.  

After limping through the holidays on about 25% of myself, the final layer peeled off in early January and took my physical health with it.  For months I was gone.  Lost in that circular, downward spiraling, free falling haze.  The demons recognized its frazzled, stressed out host with parasitic vigor.  They seized that opportunity to invade my body with long buried memories of abuse and violence.  They haunted my dreams, robbing me of much needed rest to heal and recover.  They invaded and eroded my skin, giving me huge welts across the backs of my legs reminiscent of beatings with the belt.   My skin itched and burned at the slightest touch, wearing clothes or any contact with a piece of furniture was a challenge.  I lost the ability to be comfortable in my own skin.  I had no where to go.

But mostly, they intruded upon my feminine parts with a vengeance.  The little girl parts that took the abuse, tried to adapt and scar over, the parts that became swollen almost beyond recognition, the parts that tried and tried to stretch but couldn’t….eventually giving way to rips and shreds.  Those parts were the target again.  What the little child couldn’t tolerate at that time, she buried deep and then systematically began to hand back to the adult woman in bits and pieces over the years.  Somewhere in our collective unconscious, we must have bargained. I must have made a deal with her that if she survived the early trauma through whatever means she needed to, then I, the adult, would deal with the suppressed memories and physical sensations later.

And that is what happened.  For weeks turned into months, I rode the edge of the razor’s split.  Burning, stabbing, swelling, searing pain.  Urinary, vaginal, rectal.  My every orifice that was violated contained sensations that rose to the surface.  Over and over and over and over.  The cascade of symptoms was never ending. Urinary swelling turned into infection which spread to my bladder and kidneys.  More crying and screaming than my husband could handle.

Eventually by late Feb, the symptoms began to subside a bit thanks to Marilyn and Betsy, two women energy healers who encouraged and tolerated appointments with me; half dressed in nightshirts due to my sensitive skin and sporting ice packs for my swollen parts.  Week after week, they lovingly helped me on the table and began to spin their healing magic.  We began to make progress that continues at this writing.

That’s the backstory, here’s the point.

What it takes to get writing…. again….is LOVE.  Four women emerged as a cosmic lifeline who carrying me out of the physical and emotional pain.  Four women who I’d come to know online but never met, shared many conversations with over the years, created a small online support group for me.  Just for me.  Each day and often several times a day, I’d come to the group page to see beautiful images, unfailing words of support and love as well as space just to let me be.  It was beautiful.  I nicknamed them the “Fabulous Four” because I’m not sure I would have emerged from those dark depths without having these angels to carry me.  And I’m coming up short with words to describe how it feels to be loved and cared for with this level of compassion, especially when one isn’t familiar with that level of support.  Again, it was just beautiful.

As I plunged to the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, my writing and words died.  It was impossible to write, think straight of have any type of creativity when coping with issues of basic survival such as pain.  The bottom and largest portion of Maslow’s pyramid describes needs such as breathing, food, water, sleep.  He suggests that one must be secure in the basic needs before being able to move up the hierarchy.  Creativity is characteristic of the very tip-top of the pyramid and during this health crisis, far beyond my reach.

So, this is my debut….again.  I have scaled the pyramid with the LOVE and support of four extraordinary women as well as my energy practitioners.  My words are coming back as the crisis fades.  I see hope again and crave being present on this blog and with my sojourners in healing.  I’m confident that many more layers of the health crisis will be revealed when the time is right. As the accompanying image depicts, not only have I been lifted from the level of most basic needs, I’ve been infused with the energy of a Goddess-Priestess-Warrior vibe.  The power of our hearts beating in unison, multiplied.  I stand at the top of the pyramid with my arms wide open.  I feel my power again. 

Blessings to the women of Sacred Circle Retreats:  Jackie,  Melynnda,  Joss and  Deanne.  May we nourish the Divine Feminine in each other. 

Photo credit, used with permission from Sarah Durham Wilson, DOITGIRL .

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About Rescuing Little L

Documenting the pieces of my journey...recovery from childhood sexual abuse and cruel ignorance...the effects of those incidious acts through adulthood... until the grace of recovery transcended the trauma and shame of my past, making it possible to return to Rescue Little L.... View all posts by Rescuing Little L

22 responses to “what it takes to start writing….again

  • Barbarie

    Laurel:

    Incredible my Friend! Your writing is powerful and full of spirit, love, and healing energy. Thank You for sharing your journey in this most intimate way. Thank you for speaking out and sharing as this his the support, love and inspiration to overcome that which otherwise might defeat us. When spoke it can not longer hide in the dark and can no longer keep us in the dark. Your light is shining. It is beautiful and bright, Your are beautiful and bright. Welcome back Dear One. Keep writing and sharing as you are touching lives. You touch my life when I am privileged to read your words and journey with your through the darkness into light.

    Sending You HUGS and Healing Energy. You are Beautiful!

    • Rescuing Little L

      Thanks sweetheart! You are beautiful too! I appreciate your comments as I’m always hoping that the message of love and hope comes through. I certainly want to inspire and not drag us down in the muck….but certain things are our reality and must be brought out into the light…I’m so grateful to have you as one of my women travelers along this journey!

  • suzicate

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful story of love. Wherever love shines there is always hope rising to the surface and becoming reality. May your beauty, love, and courage continue to pave the path for others struggling to find their voices. I know your story will help others heal.

  • Randy Creath

    As a member of the gender that violated and scarred you, I have perhaps the least permission to tell you this. Still, I believe in you. I love you! I support you and pray for your wholeness even amidst the woundedness. I will always be your friend and will do those things which time and space permit in order to encourage you toward light and life. Be blest, my friend! You are one of keepers of the flame!!

    • Rescuing Little L

      My dear Randy…You are and never have been part of the people that hurt me although I appreciate your willingness to accept responsibility for the male gender…In all fairness, I had male family members who were also victimized. That being said, you are instead part of the male energy that has helped heal us and given me a alternative that instills hope. Men have great capacity to heal women who’ve been hurt and I treasure you as one of those men. And as always, I appreciate your presence in this journey…((HUG))

  • Mandy

    I am weepy reading this. As you said in a comment on my last post, we share this thing that abuse survivor share. An understanding, I call it. I weep for the pain you endured this past year, but also, with gladness that you had your Sacred Circle group to help pull you from the ashes. Thank you for coming back. We need you. I need you. ♥

  • Jacqueline

    Repeatedly found myself moved to tears reading your story of healing. Whatever our own experience, we’ve all had at least a glimpse of such darkness….and you are so right, dearest Laurel–LOVE is our way through.

    You write beautifully. Our world needs your voice, your story of both pain and pleasure, darkness penetrated by light. You are an amazing phenomena of a woman who chose….chooses to hold her power. SHE is beaming in HER pride and love for you. Xoxo

    • Rescuing Little L

      LOVE is the only way through, couldn’t agree with you more! Often when I write, I feel like it comes from another source, like its channelled through me…thinking I will post that in our group and see if anyone has had any experience with that….Love you Jackie girl ❤

  • Melynnda*

    You are a freaking MIRACLE! I LOVE YOU! ❤

  • sarahpotterwrites

    You are so courageous and beautiful. I’m so glad for you that you found healing help from the wonderful four women of the Sacred Circle Retreats. Anyone who says the internet is evil, needs to hear your story as evidence that real friends are made on-line. And brilliant that you’re starting to feel like writing again.

    Wishing you continued healing and many blessings. xoxo

    • Rescuing Little L

      Sarah Potter…You are one of the ones I missed so much! Even as I struggled through the winter, I was still holding our “Novel Writing Winter” dear in my heart. Knowing you and the support I’ve received from you has helped carry me through. My online friends are some of the dearest…Thanks so much for re-connecting with me…

  • Crowing Crone

    we have loved you with an overwhelming love of which you are SO worthy. It is an honour to love you beloved Laurel. An honour that blesses me and brings me to my knees in awe of you.

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