Tag Archives: Candle Lighter Award

my first nominee for Candle Lighter award….

First, I want to thank bipolarmuse who I’m choosing just to call Muse.

She had the grace and kindness to nominate me for the Candle Lighter award, which was my first blogging award and I am totally geeked about it.  Being recognized by a fellow blogger with the same goal of just trying to make our way through life is just the cat’s meow for me.

As I have no particular illusion of grandeur in writing this blog, it remains primarily just for me.  Following that, its for the folks that I attract along the way who are using every skill they can grab onto to manueuver through life and find their way home.  I am so committed to speaking out about the dark subjects of sexual abuse, incest, mental illness and all its counterparts with my ultimate hope being that this information falls into the lap of someone needing it.  And it lifts them up.  That’s what it is all about for me.  Lifting myself and others up. So, thanks Muse, you made my day.

I’ve thought long and hard about to whom I would pass this award.  There are so many incredible bloggers that I subscribe to (yes, I’m a blogaholic) that fill me up on a daily basis and any of them would be an ideal candidate.  But I kept contemplating (and yes, I seriously over think things) until I figured out that I wanted this to be personal for me.  In this world of virtual friends and wonderful, technological accomplishments, this had to be real for me.

The Candle Lighter Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world.  

The Candle Lighter Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and who never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying.

There are no rules.

If you wish to, simply accept it and you are done!

You are also free to decline or ignore it.  

Recipients can pass it on to as many nominees as they wish and as often as they wish.

The woman I’m choosing is someone I’ve known my whole life.

It feels right in that full-circle-synchronicity kind of way for us to be in our fifties and bonding by incidents of over 40 years ago. We haven’t spoken in person for years but grew up in the same town, with the same story, with the same kinds of traumatizations.  It wasn’t until and because of technology, the internet and specifically Facebook that we even became reacquainted.  As our conversations progressed, we started a late night confessional of our secrets that had occurred in our childhoods and plagued us ever since.  My heart sank as I heard her story yet I somehow always knew that I wasn’t alone in being a victim of sexual abuse.  To say that it was rampant in my family and community is an understatement.

Our lives have taken somewhat different directions.  Our views on God and faith are blazingly different and our commonalities are huge.  I like to think that our mission trumps any religious or spiritual differences.  In fact, it makes the union that much more beautiful.  She will reach survivors that I couldn’t even touch.  In fact, she already has.  Upon coming out and publishing her own blog, several women have come to her and disclosed their own stories of abuse.  My heart goes out to her calling and to all the little girls I grew up with, sad in their own ways, no one to turn to, unable to speak about their atrocities because no one did back then.  And I mean NO ONE.  She has opened a portal that I forsee many people, male and female, being able to pass through into healing.

This little award doesn’t even touch the respect and admiration that I have for Debbie King Killian and her blog, Reclaiming my Life.  I consider her a true candle lighter.

an unlikely Candle Lighter

Candle light in the night

There are days when I feel like I’m invisible.

There are definitely days when I feel like my existence doesn’t really account for much and that my friends and family fail to see me either by their inability to understand who I really am or they know who I am and just can’t deal with it.  Either way it makes for some fairly isolated times.  Still, its a better choice to protect and put myself first than to be around people just for the sake of it.

One of the most soothing, honoring exercises I do is write.  Sometimes its silly stuff but more often, I dive in head first into the memories of my abusive past and their manifestations of my present.  Starting this blog was first and foremost for me but then quickly grew to almost an obsession to connect with others who’ve had this or a similar experience.  It seemed that this was the one sure fire way that I could confirm my existence and quickly found that survivors not only validate my experiences but are hungry for a place to share their unique stories and set of circumstances.  And I knew in my gut that this connection would be the healing force for me as I attempted to lift my fellow survivor out of the muck.

My biggest confirmation thus far is to receive The Candle Lighter Award from a fellow blogger, BiPolarMuse, a young woman whose name I don’t know but stories that I do know.  I am in awe of her writing as well as the stories that I’m finding among these everyday women scattered across the internet.  These are her words… “The Candle Lighter Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world.  The Candle Lighter Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and who never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying.”  Wow…those words made my day.

This small circle that keeps widening continues to fascinate me.  I must admit, however,  I rarely feel like a candle lighter and it feels odd to accept this compliment when its me that reaps the benefits of these relationships.  But, I do love the fabulous image of a candle’s glow, illuminating a path for others and bringing our truth to the light.  Have I really made a difference to anyone but myself?  Could that really be me?  

Heck yeah, it is.  

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