Its an awkward junior high dance of where to place my feet, what do I do with my hands, how can I stop sweating each nuance of my being?
I suppose each day brings me closer to my truth. I’m not sure why my truth has been so buried. Who decided that it was to be my life’s journey to dig through the muck and proclaim my findings a treasure? Why is it taking so long? My post it notes that line the area above my desk say to practice acceptance. They also remind me that I’m entitled to make mistakes and that I can’t start the chapter of your new life if you keep re-reading the last one. I wonder if I’m not assimilating the lessons of my life or if I just have too many post it notes?
Today’s biggest question is one of my voice. Usually my biggest questions are regarding my voice; where it is, how loud is it, how do I use it to the greatest good? But underneath those questions lie the deepest challenge I face today. What do you do when it is apparent that your voice and message make those in your life uncomfortable? Where is the line of discernment between how the individual should proceed when they form a part of a larger group and what is their responsibility to the greater good? Should one compromise the group for personal benefit? Does one pray for the fear to be released from the family/community/church/friends with whom you’ve made a life with or does one practice a life unspoken or better yet, a life carefully spoken to those only ready to hear? And if so, how does one know the difference?
I’ve been quite drawn lately to the plight of the gay person who struggles with whether or not to come out. I find this a struggle that is similar to mine in the sense that neither can reveal the story truest to themselves without wondering how detrimental or incredible the outcome might be. How does one make that final, irreversible decision and action? It’s a long standing fantasy of mine to be able to tell the story of an abused and compromised child only to break the shackles of shame and liberated by the act of coming out. It seems as if it would be freeing beyond belief. Not taking the steps toward fulfilling that fantasy is a sort of slow emotional suicide. That scenario involves lots of pretending, not stating the obvious (well at least the obvious to me) and leading my life with as much rhythm as a flat line on an EKG. A basically unappealing and empty existence.
Is the solution a matter of re-framing one’s thinking to accommodate only thoughts of gratitude and a positive nature? Isn’t that denial?
Could the whole matter of avoiding the tough subjects in life some sort of grace that I’ve yet to develop? Isn’t that fear?
Should I practice more acceptance of what is and isn’t in my life and resign to a life without unabashed celebration of my total self? Isn’t that numbing and settling?
I’d love to hear from anyone who not only has had the same questions but any solutions to this personal crisis as well. Wishing I had more answers than questions, I leave that to you.