Over a year ago, I lost a situation that was pure joy for me. I lost it due to my emotion regulation problems that are a result of abuse. My lifeline of joy that fed and distracted me from the pain is gone. I’ve not been successful at replacing it yet although I do try each day. I push through. Just like my friend A Heart of One does in her blog post. The particulars of her life are a bit different yet the result is the same. Our hearts are broken and we just don’t know how to fix them. That’s all there is everyday….heartbreak….
All of my life, I’ve been pushing through…pain, grieve, exhaustion, lack of supports. I’ve made it work, kept going. Do or die. If I felt myself getting sick, I’d will myself to not be sick, keep going, don’t have time to be sick, take a rest, stay home, do nothing.
I tried to push through today, still want to on some level. I tapped into a painful memory last night. Curled into a ball, on my side, clenching my bottom, mouth shaped into a scream, eyes wide, head jerking back, shaking all over, then crying. Me, but not me. A past me. In pain, terrified. He did not care about pain he caused or the fear that I felt. It was a moment of complete horror. I lived it and lived through it again.
Full article at http://aheartofone.blogspot.com/2013/01/pushing-through.html