Monthly Archives: March 2010

JOY

two days crazy. thursday night and friday, spent a lot of time napping and medicating you.  i need to look at you and name you and honor you. JOY. i will call you JOY.

that wasn’t right.  i forgot and i got scared, i went right back into my old patterns and didn’t take care of you.  thank you for continuing to send me signals for you are far wiser than i am right now.  you are so little yet you are my teacher.  i just realized how shook up you were when i got angry at my husband and daughter.  they have to do better.  whether they will i don’t know but i told them they were not treating you well and i mean that.  i don’t care how long it takes them to get it but i am starting to see how i don’t take up for you, i am so sorry.

my goodness, you are so beautiful and i want to run over and hold you and pick you up with but i resist because i don’t want to scare you.  you are joy and i love you. thanks for being a part of me and forgive me for how long it took me to find you.

i also realized today just how much my family offends you.  they ignore me/you and make us feel invisible.  they don’t know our needs, want to know our needs and continue in the same way that my growing up was.  i won’t subject you to that anymore. we are done with them.  i hate them right now and maybe someday i will forgive them and realize how wounded they are but for now I hate them.  they all know that i have been struggling with physical and mental illness for years but don’t contact me.  it is done.  once i realize something i can correct it.  thank you for persisting in showing me that so i can take better care of us.  you are delightful and i would rather spend time with you than them anyday.  are you the one who likes the puppies so much? i can see you smiling a little bit because finally i get you.  i don’t think it will take much more before i get you more. barbara helped a lot and phyllis helped me discover you in the first place.  don’t give up on me, keep talking to me in your language, i wil learn it, i am learning it.  you are beautiful, i love you, lets go play.

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